Dance with the Wolves

Geekery freakery

2008-02-18T15:35:00.003Z

I haven't posted for a while as I have been craeting and populating my own database. That right I have an Oracle database running on my own Linux server and I have input 50% of my vinyl collection so far. The cds will follow. The database may, or more, probably won't, be useful. It was just the chalenge to myself to see if I could do it and I did it!

I may well be retired by the end of March as the work I'm doing is coming to an end. I was quite worried about this over Christmas and New Year but I'm not worried any longer. I'm looking forward to it. Having no responsibilities will be ace.

And now some music. This is the Portico Quartet and the round thing on the ground is called a "hang". They were invented by the Swiss aparently. I saw a new age hippy playing one in Catalunya last year.

Fab sound init?

Eldest son may have a new job, passed the interview just has some technical tests to do. Who's a proud dad then! Only daughter is pregnant again!! Who's a proud grandad!!

2008 is picking up.

Oh 2008

2008-01-16T14:21:00.000Z

I'm begining to think this New Year is going to be crap. Its only the 16th and my optimism is waning already. I've been ill! I returned to work on the 2nd and I've actually worked 5 days including today. I was only ill for 3 days but the sickness and dire-horror bug that emptied my body - by various methods too nasty to mention here - left me quite literally drained. I don't know how this sort of thing affects other diabetics but it just wipes me out.

The sickness has ruined my resolutions - of which there are many, so many in fact I am going to have to make a list - the first resolution was to be healthy!!

Perhaps things can only get better - we'll have to wait and see.

Eye spy

2008-01-02T11:05:00.000Z

My health is suffering following the Xmas and New Year festivities. My heart seems to be beating quickly all of the time. My resting heart rate is 68 beats per minute! Doesn't feel right at all. There is however life still present in this body.

Two of my granddaughters stayed over at New Year. J and I had breakfast in bed and the girls sat with us playing I-spy. The 4 year old went over to the window and looked out and said "I spy with my little eye something begining with P - its outside". After many guesses we gave up. "Its the Planet", she said. That was the best bit of whole holiday.

Happy New Year

Happiness 4

2007-12-21T10:21:00.000Z

Christmas is almost upon us and its a time of year that should be one of fun and happiness. Sadly its not that way for many people; some are orphans, some are starving, some are homeless, some are ill, some are guilty and some depressed.

Christmas can be spirtual time and I'm not talking about religeon. Christmas can also be the anniversary of a personal disaster.

I think that we have 3 major opportunities for refelection and resolution (allthough every day holds the same opportunity - its just that other things can get in the way). The 3 times are Christmas day, New Years Eve and your birthday.

In the West the spirt of Christmas (and a lot of other things) has been lost underneath our severe materialism. Above all Christmas is seen as a time to purchase items, presents, objects that are meant to confirm love and friendship. There's nothing wrong with that I suppose - who doesn't enjoy watching excited children opening their presents and I can't deny that I enjoy gifts from my family. The important thing about Christmas for me is that its an opportunity for the family to get together at a time when the rest of the world is not looking.

Just being with my family is the best buzz available. I always have a few moments to myself on Christmas day because I make the breakfast. Its time I use to reflect on the year my family has had and in recent years it has been a bittersweet experience. Mind you each time I end up feeling the same. Optimistic for the family's future, full of love for everyone in the family and happy that we are all still able to spend some time together. 2007 was a hard year and 2008 will be just as challengin but as long as we are all together then the world can f*%$ itself!

Merry Christmas!

What happened when Stargate ended?

2007-12-11T14:49:00.000Z

I'll tell you what happened. Sanctuary happened. Sanctuary started in May this year its an internet TV show. Click on the link underneath the message from Amanda Tapping to be taken to a page where you can watch the first episode (or webisode).

Amanda Tapping promo sanctuary
Uploaded by -oneill91-

Its December already

2007-12-07T15:32:00.000Z

and Christmas is just around the corner. I was watching "Later with Jools Holland" the other night and a band from Sheffield (or "Shef" as those in the know call it) came on.

Reverend and the Makers is on my Christmas list (thats for any family members who still read this blog.

The video isn't the best I've ever seen but these guys can play their instruments very well and are great live. I really like te Northern accents!

My humps

2007-10-19T11:20:00.000+01:00

Excellent

Another Jazz hero dies...

2007-10-04T17:48:00.000+01:00

Joe Zawinul co-founder of Weather report died recently. Another good one gone. The clip below was recorded not that long ago and shows a man in his seventies having a godd time on stage with a friend (Trilok Gurtu - sounds like a three lever Indian security device). Joe was a pioneer of electric keyboards and could still play powerfully in his 70's. I'm missing him already.

Back from My hols

2007-09-26T16:59:00.000+01:00

I'm back. I wish I was still in Catalunya. I had the best time.

If you listen to this you might, just might, get a small inkling of how good I felt when I was there.

Tried face book yet?

2007-08-24T15:05:00.000+01:00

I was invited to become a facebook member last week. So I joined in. After my first week I had made two friends (both family members) and joined a club. A fine diversion but it didn't feel like social interaction; it was more like mucking about on the internet. I suppose you could say that I might enjoy Facebook more if I was more sociable. However I'll stick with blogging a whie longer. I quite enjoy typing away unsure of whether anyone reads what I write or not. I actually don't care if no one reads my blog its fun putting down thoughts as they turn up.

Only 6 working days to go till my holidays. it will be a relief to not have small children around for a while. I couldn't live without them though. Here's a bit of an example just for Dave.

Happiness is a recurring theme

2007-08-23T17:08:00.000+01:00

I was sitting here today listening to a piece of music by a band called the Small Faces. It was aCD vesrion of a vinyl album that I bought when I was 15. It was the first album I ever bought. Its called Ogden's Nut gone and its brilliant. The album was recorded in 1968 at a time when pop music was turning into something more interesting. Side one is just a bunch of songs most of them still sound good the more humerous tracks sound a bit twee these days. Side two is totally different it was the first concept album being the tale of young man (Happiness Stan) and his saerch for understanding. The music is excellent (even the humerous tracks) but what holds the album together is the voice of Professor Stanley Unwin who narrates the story between tracks. The prof has a unique way with words. He created his own language using old English and regional slang words (or wordage as he would have said). The fact that I was still enjoying this album almost 40 years later got me thinking. I was born in 1953 in post war Britain. It wasn't a very nice place to live and a nasty time for people living without just about everthing being scarce or just not available (thanks to Uncle Sam we only finished paying for WW2 in January 2007!). However I digress.
It was difficult to grow up as a happy child as there was so much doom and gloom around. When the 60's finally started things began to get better although the age gap between kids and their war weary parents led to some significant social upheaval. I'm a natural optimist so I sufferred a lot. At the age of 15 I was near to switching off altogether when I discovered poular music. After I listened to Ogden's Nut Gone I new that everything was going to be allright. I was from the bay-boomer generation and, barring accident, i would be fine. And so it has remained. Anyone born in the late 40's and 50's has a slight advantage over people born after that time. We new hard times but we saw the end of them and everything improved. Even when our parents (born in the 30's) began creating class hatred and ruining the environment we new it was going to be alright.
My children were born in the 70's and 80's and haven't had the advantage that I've had. And their children born in the 90's and 00's have it worse. The world has changed so much since the 60's and not always for the better. All I'm saying is find something that makes you smile inside and stay with it. It will keep you happy in hard times.

This song is from side one.

This is some 60's pop from the Small Faces

And this tracks has some Prof. Stanley Unwin dialogue. He was a barmy old sod.

And this is the last track on the album. To my mind the opening line about the Albran is much better than the "box of choclates" from from Forrest gump. Stay cool won't you.

Glastonbury 07

2007-06-27T15:53:00.000+01:00

I watched Glastonbury at the weekend and it was excellent. Loads of new acts and some good old ones- The Who where brilliant.

But the start of the show was Seastick Steve a solo blues man. He was just fantastic. The clip below wasn't from Glastonbury but you'll get the idea.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzLJgzDg9Rs

A better introduction is on Youtube just search for Seasick Steve and select the 'live on Jools Holland' link.

Incredibly fat man has sex with urinal

2007-06-13T11:55:00.000+01:00

I was at work the other day and had to pay a visit to the toilet. I entered the toilet and, as always, followed the ettiquet - don't speak to anyone you don't knowand never, ever look at anyone when standing at the urinals; just get on with things and mind your own business.

Everything changed when a VERY LARGE man came into the toilet and and stood one urinal away from me. He began to urinate with such force that I thought the flushing system had malfunctioned. Looking at my urinal I confirmed that this was not the case. As I looked down the man started to moan is sort of sexual pre orgasm manner that was unusual to say the least. The gushing urine continued to flow and the man's moans increased in volume. "Ugh, ugh..uuuuuugh!".

The guy standing next to the large man stopped what he was doing and almost ran into one of the cubicals. I began to wash my hands when the enormous man zipped himself up, ran his hand under the cold tap and left the toilets. Laughter began to brake out everywhere. I thought thats something you don't see every day.

Yesterday was just another Tuesday - it was my birthday too. Plenty of cards and love from the family members. No present though. I'd oredered a telescope which was so out of stock there wasn't one left in the whole country (and ther's a two month wait!) not only that the only child friendly restuarant in town was closed. We had an Indian take away which was very good but the day was a bit of a wash out. Still I'm not upset, I have no reason to be upset. I'm lucky to live in a country that has everything. If was Ethiopian I'd have reason to be upset.

Other granddaughters continued somemore

2007-05-22T14:40:00.001+01:00

Last one. Isn't she just be- yute- i- full?

Other granddaughters continued.

2007-05-22T14:29:00.000+01:00

Little B the 10 year old and the love of my life.

Other granddaughters

2007-05-22T14:24:00.001+01:00

Little T 4 years old and an absolute star.

Latest granddaughter

2007-05-22T14:20:00.001+01:00

Latest granddaughter Isn't she lovely?

Happiness 3

2007-05-22T12:05:00.000+01:00

Do you want to be happy?

How happy do you want to be? As happy as you were on Xmas morning when you were 6? As happy as you were on your first holiday in a warm country? As happy as you were on your honeymoon?

Well you're not going to that happy ever again but..

If you work to live, love what you do, love your family,your friends,yourself and take pleasure in simple things then you've got a very good shot at being content. Some people never have more than that. Those people are rich and can live in this world without falling under the wheels of comerce or terrorism or oppression.

We all need food and water though..

Here ends today's stating the bleedin obvious. Spent hours (10pm till 01am) watching the Moon and Saturn! and Venus!! It was excellent but it has left me a little starry eyed. Peace brothers and sisters.

Grandchildren

2007-05-21T09:43:00.000+01:00

I am now the very, very pround grandfather of 4 fabulous girls - Liitle B (10), Little T (4), Little A (3 months) and Little F (1 week!!!). Once I've sorted out how to attach photos they will all be here on a semi regular basis.

Little T sat down next to my daughter (who gave birth to little F a few days ago) and said "So are you breast feeding or bottle feeding your baby?". Granddaughters rock, granddaughters are cool - and so are their mums.

I don't mind the absence of a grandson largely because I don't have one. I bet they'll be cool too.

Shaving 2

2007-05-21T09:38:00.000+01:00

I have had a change of heart. Having lived with the shaved parts for a few days I'm used to it and I think that everything looks and feels a little more cared for than it did previously. And there is the BSI - the Betty Swallocks Indicator - which lets me know exactly when to shower. Amazingly precise!
Now to get the grey hair off my chest!!

Shaving

2007-05-18T14:59:00.000+01:00

My wife and my daughetr and I were talking the other day about shaving. Its amazing the conversations that you can have when your watching adverts. The ad was for one of those lady razor things and the talk naturally, or so it seemed at the time, turned to the subject of the shaving of ones personal parts. Now women having been doing this for some time and apparetnly men do it too. I knew that porn actors do it (something to do with making their wangs look larger). But nowadays ordinary men are doing it. Why? Well its trendy, its fashionable in certain circles (would that be wife swapping, threesome type circles?}. My daughter reckons it cleaner and my wife reckons that if your pubes have gone grey they will grow back their original colour. She would know! I asked what names men apply to whatever styles they may have trimmed their parts; after all women have brazillins and mohicans etc. We could not decide on anything.

Now I can proudly say that my pubes aren't grey but as a group they resemble Fanghorn Forest.
So, I thought, if its cleaner then why not give it a go? That was my first mistake.
My second mistake was my choice of razor - it is almost impossible to get pubes out of a Gillette Turbo 3.
My third mistake was my choice of pattern - I thought that a small 'afro', crescent shaped,around the base of my best friend would be appropriate. It wasn't.

As I had never contemplated this sort of thing before I had no idea on how it would be achieved. I began by trimming the edges which was tricky but do-able and then shaving off the resultant stubble cutting the crescent shape. That worked very well apart from cleaning the razor which took ages - longer than the shaving by half an hour! When I examined my handiwork I was not the proud owner of an afro I was the proud owner of a Ken Dodd! So out came the scissors for another trim. The result was I have to say quite good. There are however some rather nasty downsides. The first is he temperature drop; when the wind blows you can be literally chilled to the bone. I imagine women enjoy this feeling; I found it disturbing in a way that was extremely vague and difficult to define. Another downside is the quality of undergarments worn must be good to very good because ordinary Asda knickers are unpleasantly rough. A really unpleasant side effect is of course that the hair grows back! Bollock stubble is probably the single most uncomfortable thing you can have!
So is shaving your parts 'a good thing'? For men I would have to say it isn't. Its time consuming, uncomfortable and forces you to pay more attention to the parts of your body that should be left alone.

I understand that you shouldn't be walking around with a scarecrow's chuff in your pants but the hair is growing there for a reason (whatever that is) and should be treated with respect. Take one look at a Frech woman's armpit and you will find luxuriant growth. I expect that her pubes will be platted with ribbons in a stylish presentation as they been since adolescence.

Would I do it again? No. But I might if was invited to one of those parties..

Hey Hey!!

2007-05-06T20:09:00.000+01:00

Haven't posted since March!!! Must have something to say.. lets think. In the UK going "green" is the latest middle class fashion. Now back in the 1970s I was an organic gardener, had no car and did not go abroad for my holidays. While I am still an organic gardener it has taken the midle class 37 years to catch up with me and agree that we should try harder to look after the planet. What really pisses me off though are the wealthy "greens" . The "Oh yes we've got 150 acres of organically managed cattle and sheep with 40 acrres of organic veg, four windmills and a waterwheel" set. Concerns over global warming were voiced a while ago and most scientists disagreed with the theory - until the media got hold of the idea and convinced goverments that it wasd a real problem and put serious money into research. Then most of them agreed. Carbon dioxide and methane were causing global warming and mankind were to blame.

I disagree. I don't think that global warming is a man made phenomenon. The world goes through hot and cold cycles all by itself. I think that we may have helped out a warm cycle by producing a lot of carbon dioxide but global warming would have happened with or without us. The British Isles were once connected to the mainland of Europe until some polar ice melted and sea levels rose. This could well happen again. Moving house to higher ground may be a good idea. Arizona here I come!

Whats even more annoying is the fact that big business is still raping the planets resource and governments do nothing to stop it. I am not frightened of dieing but I am very concerned about the lives that my grandchildren will have. As long as the world is run by these fucking idots we will be in trouble.

I really beleive that any young person who shows an interest in becoming a politician is displaying an important character flaw and should be shot at once. Politics should be one of those professions where people don't want to be there.

Whoops! Talked a bit too much politics there; don't worry I'm getting out now.

508 Park Drive

2007-03-25T21:04:00.000+01:00

I haven't published a post or even looked at a blog for most of the month. But its time to get back to normal. Music has been important this month but I've listened to most of it on TV. Channel 4 has done two excellent live concerts - Coldplay and Kaiser Chiefs and the Friday night "Live from Abbey Road" series just gets better and better. Last week saw the excellent John Mayer playing fantastic blues.

Well its spring (officially) and Easter is nearly upon us. I am a student again - Open University no less - course S194 Introduction to Astronomy. Can't wait, I'm looking forward to some wonderfull images from outer space and learning something out of the ordinary. I've also started looking at antique clocks. I bought one on EBAY for 27 quid and it is a wonderful thing. My wife loved it too. I gave the clock to my son as his wife has longed for an old clock for some time so I am now looking for another and the choices are vast.

We are also revamping the garden (massive earthworks) and are looking forward to summer. Personaly I'm feeling optimistic and looking forward to future. Its so nice to back on track.

Talent

2007-03-02T17:22:00.000Z

I've been looking through You Tube for Michael Brecker clips and found this:

Incredible stuff from Michael with an EWI (electric wind instrument!!).

And this is what the EWI was like when played with his band. It can be difficult to listen to without previous experience of listening live electric jazz. I would say that its worth the effort though...

Last piece about Michael from a guy who does his blog on camera! Very brave!

Easier listening from now on promise. Well almost. This the last one today.

A friend passes

2007-02-17T12:14:00.000Z

I rediscovered today that work interferes with life too much. I know this because I have been following the website of my favourite musician Michael Brecker. I haven't been able to check up on how he was doing in his fight with leukemia because I've been so busy lately that I've been too knackered to surf the net.

I discovered this morning that my musical hero died back in January (13th). I was unprepared for the news and have been affected more than I thought would be possible. His music has accompanied me most of my adult life. I am pleased to have been alive at the same time as he was. I celebrate his life and I'm sad that there will be no more music from him. He introduced me to Jazz and latin and funk and so much more. Thanks Mike you were, and are, a light in the darkness. The world has lost a talented soul.

Happiness birth to 50 years

2007-02-12T22:07:00.000Z

I've decided that I won't continue the happiness theme. The explanation I was going to give would have been poor psyhcology and mainly based on my own experiences - you should try read this stuff - no you shouldn't, really don't do it. As a "science" psychology is 1) subjective and 2)has little or no proof to fully explain whats going on in our minds.

If you feel you must read anything read "The Art of Happiness" by the Dali Lama & Howard C Cutler. Its quite heavy on spiritual stuff but its the best book I've read on the subject.

The last thing I will say about happiness is this - only you can decide to be happy and its up to you to choose.

I've got a new granddaughter lovely little AVW! Such a small thing and exquisite. Grandma and granddad are in love again! Three grandchildren and I'm only 53! Bring it on. The more the merrier. Pictures at http://www.babyautumns.blogspot.com. If you don't have grandchildren you are missing so much. Get some as soon as you can.

Happiness 1

2007-01-23T13:50:00.000Z

More in a box..

and

and thats that I've had enough of that tune. Main post below.

Happiness. I’ve done a little research, and it has been a little, which is why the posts here have been a little lightweight recently.

I suppose that to describe happiness will be a subjective thing, that is to say its experienced differently by each one of us so this is a personal view. So lets start at the beginning. Now this is going to read like pretentious twaddle but it made me chuckle.

There is an island, a very beautiful island. On the island there is a cave quite near the shore. In the cave it is dark and warm and, all things considered, a really pleasant place to be. Sometimes it is very wet in the cave and other times its merely damp. Like the shore outside the cave gets wet and then dries out a little. There is no one in the cave.

At the back of the cave there is a small hole and as if by magic a small ball pops out this hole just as the cave starts to get wet. This happens just about every time the cave gets wet. And every time the cave gets too wet the little ball is washed out of the cave, down a small stream onto the beach where is swept away never to be seen again. Once the ball has gone the cave begins to dry up.

Now and again there is a storm out at sea and waves crash onto the beach. Sometimes waves reach the cave and sea water gets in. When this happens any creatures in the sea water are washed into the cave. Normally these tiny eel like creatures find their way out of the cave or die in there; their bodies absorbed by the processes of nature.

Once in a while there is a storm outside the cave which happens when the small ball is sitting in the cave. When this happens and a wave enters the cave carrying the eel like creatures a strange thing happens. The creatures try to eat the ball even though it is much bigger than they are. While the tiny eels are biting at the outer shell of the ball it can happen that one of the eels bites through and swims inside the ball and then a really odd thing happens the ball goes hard and no other eels can bite through the skin of the ball.

The eel inside the ball is very comfortable and he stays there quite still and happy. Outside the ball the cave gets wetter but the ball doesn’t get washed away. Its as if the cave wants the ball to stay. The eels that didn’t get into the ball die and are absorbed as before. The little hard ball is washed to the wall of the cave a lodges there.

The ball stays in the cave stuck to the cave wall for a long time. And quite suddenly someone realises that they are in the cave. It is nice and warm in there and comfortable. They can hear what’s going on outside the cave but they don’t understand any of the sounds apart from one particular sound that seems to be there most of the time. It’s a pleasant sound. The person doesn’t understand the noise but it is not afraid of that sound.

Now the person is still a little person and, as little persons do, it grows. Over time the little person gets bigger and bigger. In what seems like no time at all the little person knows that it can reach all of the cave walls and is happy to reach out and touch those walls. Eventually the person is so big that there is not enough room in the cave and the person can feel the walls of the cave very easily. One day there is a storm a storm bigger than any the cave has seen for a long time. There have been smaller storms but sea water has not reached the cave and there have been no more eels. This great storm makes the whole cave shudder and the walls of the cave close around the person who begins to be worried. The noise gets louder and the sound the person knows so well sounds different and is disturbing making the person in the cave sadder.

Very soon the person in the cave feels uncomfortable as the cave walls close in more and more. The person doesn’t understand what is happening and is now afraid. The wall of the cave stretches and opens over the top of the person’s head the person feels cold for the first time. Events speed up and soon the person is being squeezed out of the cave mouth and into bright lights and cold air. There is lots of noise and a stabbing pain makes the person scream. The person could not be more confused, terrified or unhappy.

Now that childlike story which I’ve just made up after some very interesting reading is just my way of describing how it begins, how we have no choice about being here. And that is how unhappiness begins; as we are born in trauma not knowing what we are. The unhappiness following birth is temporary, we get over it. From that point in time we are all on a journey that has the potential to be both happy and unhappy in unequal measures. Circumstances can go from good to great or bad to worse. It all starts with childhood.

This is beginning to sound like psychology – I hate psychology.

And now some rock with a capital R. This is so full of cliches its fun. Stay happy.

Warm Hands!

2007-01-18T17:03:00.000Z

Brilliant!

I don't have warm hands today. They're colder than a witches chesty part. We've had 80 mile an hour winds gusting to 90 mph. Today was also recylced refuse day. A bad combination. All over town there were empty food tins, plastic bottles and paper of every sort blowing around. There were dead weelie bins everywhere; some on the move at quite a reasonable speed, others lying in the road or on the pavement like dead daleks (old geek reference). There is rain forecast too. Its going to be a good night to stay in. Hope my daughter's waters don't break!!

What an adventure

2007-01-12T11:09:00.000Z

I've been trying to update for the last week or so but I've been unable to log in. If I wasn't such a geek I might have given up. But here I am (I was lucky enough to have an email with a link that worked. Its been like this since I went over to the new blogger. Just goes to show new is not always better. Its been a frustrating week. I've thought of lots of things to write but each idea has leached away when I couldn't get access to blogger. Not to worry I always think of something. At the end of last year I thought a bit of a change was in order. This blog is a little bit pointless as its only read by a very small, but select, group of people. I’m beginning to feel a little bored with writing about myself and my life. I’m not a natural diarist but a lot of the things I’ve written have been intended to help members of my family who, for one reason or another, haven’t been as happy as they might be. I titled this blog “Dance with Wolves” for two reasons: I had just seen the movie of the same name and I admired the “character” of the main character, if you see what I mean, and I also thought that the title summed up our collective experience of day to day life. There are a lot of “wolves” out there whose sole purpose is to make us upset, sad or angry (even suicidal). The wolves can be anything. Financial problems, marital problems, health problems – I’ve certainly written a lot about all three. There are many others things that can cause unhappiness; other people, institutions, age, attitudes, discriminations, etc the list is potentially endless.

I know what makes me happy and helps me dance with the wolves in my life but I’m interested in how other people cope with life. So I’ll be doing a bit of research and a bit of writing, with a little ranting here and there, – if I can access blogger!
The following is a frivolous piece of advice on relationships from America aimed
at geeks.

Why do we look to the USA so much?

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T17:43:00.000Z

Its the last day of 2006 and I'll be seeing the new year in with family and friends. Looking forward to a better new year and, for the first time in a long time, I'm making plenty of reoslutions. There are too many, and some too personal to discuss here. But the one resolution I can show here is - "Finish what you have started and complete what you begin". This blog may change a little in 2007. I realise that a lot of people are having a life that is not as easy or as happy as mine. People are having to dance with wolves, depression, drugs, debt - and thats just a few of the "D's".
If I can help in any way however small I will do.

To anyone reading this - on New Years Eve or whenever- I'm here and I'll help if I can.

Have a peaceful or wild New Year as it suits you but stay healthy.

So Xmas is over.

2006-12-30T16:26:00.000Z

Xmas is over and wonderfull it was. The grandchildren had a great time and so did we all. I'm
looking forward to the New Year celebrations at my daughters house.
Xmas 2006 was nearly a total disaster. My eldest son took an overdose of his depression medication and was rushed to A&E the Friday evening before Xmas. I was there with my other daughter till 02:00. My boy has some problems to to address in the New Year and his drinking is one of them. He has got to get the better of his problems before they get the better of him. Not the best start to the New Year but I'm sure he will sort himself out and we'll all be right there with him and for him as he goes along. Thats two Xmases in a row where he and my daughter have suffered a trauma. They have another child due to be born in January. My heart is with them both and anything I can do to help. As New Year approaches I am mindfull that we will have to pull together as a family if we are to survive in tact into the future. Everyone in the family needs the love and support of us all and as long as I'm alive I'll try to ensure that happens.

Happy New Year? Possibly. Happier New Year? Definitely.

Hello again

2006-12-06T17:46:00.001Z

Online again. Haven’t posted for quite awhile. No real reason, I haven’t felt the need to be in cyberspace as much. One thing about the real world that I’ve noticed is the attitude of people who live around me to the festive season.

I used to hate Xmas. As anyone who has read this blog will know I am not a participant in the Christian religion and the “holy” elements to Xmas hold no meaning for me. When all my children were still at home Xmas was just an expensive day that we couldn’t afford. I did enjoy the excitement of the children but on the whole the Xmas period was just an opportunity to stay off work and eat too much.

In my mid forties I had a change of heart. Two of my four children had left home so the expense diminished (a little). I began to enjoy the run up to Xmas. WhileTte last two Novembers have been pretty grim one way or another but this year its been completely different. We have two more grandchildren expected to arrive in 2007!

Xmas now begins on the first weekend in December. I travel 200 miles to meet two old friends and we go Xmas shopping. Last year we went to Belfast, this year we went to Durham. We had a great time and I drank waaaay to much beer.

I’ll now be spending waaay too much money on presents for the loved ones.

There’ll be good food (and a little drink) and two weeks off work!! I may

Hello again

2006-12-06T17:46:00.000Z

Moaning

2006-10-30T16:06:00.000Z

There are 3 types of moaning:

when there is something wrong in your life and you have to tell everyone whats pissing you off

when you are in the arms of the one you love and nice things are happening

and

when your body is racked with pain in every limb

I had to have a moan yesterday and it was caused by the third reason. I spent Saturday helping my daughter and son in law move house from Oxfordshire in the south of England to Lancashire in the northern part of England. I drove a large van 440 miles in total and assisted with every package, box and piece of furniture at both ends of the journey. I'm still in pain today. How can a couple who've been together for only 2 years accumulate so much stuff?

I only moaned once - a long, low growl of pain - it frightened the dog!

I had some more good news today my son who lives in Manchester may be moving in December. Oh joy.

Nothing on TV. Got the Blues.

2006-10-25T23:31:00.000+01:00

Don't feel to bad now; enjoyed the slide guitar and felt like some more.

Now something from the British Isles (by a Scotsman and and two Irishman in Germany).

Feeling much better.

Second wind (as it were)

2006-10-25T16:55:00.000+01:00

Its midweek and downhill to the weekend. After the letargy of the early part of the week i feel that I have more energy. Just checked out the family blogs and everything seems alright. Love them all.

In the spirit of positive energy listen to the this oldy (as loudly as possible).

Monday already

2006-10-23T14:27:00.000+01:00

Weekends are too short. They're 2 days too short. I had a good weekend, I didn't do very much but relax in the company of my northern family. Bonds of friendship re-affrimed. Family ties strengthend. The colder air, as always, invigorated me. Spending time with my father in law is always rewarding.

I thought that the weekend would set me up for Monday but I'm afraid that it didn't. Next weekend will be busier; driving to Oxford and back on Saturday a 440 mile round trip followed by a week off work. Time with the grandchildren again.Marvellous.

Its Friday again

2006-10-20T11:38:00.000+01:00

Its Friday again. At the end of the working day I'll be driving 180 miles to spend the weekend with my in-laws. The piece of music attached is Cousin Dupree by Steely Dan its not Jazz and its not rock, its just good music, and it does make me tap my foot. A good sound for the begining of the weekend.

I'm going to be back in Northumberland! The place where I was born and raised. Border country between Scotland and England which is neither Scottish or English. The people talk strangely but they're friendly and just the best beaches in the world. Can't wait.

Two posts in one day?

2006-10-16T15:26:00.000+01:00

Found this on youtube. The baldy guy is Micael Brecker a saxophinist I've listened to for years. The hairy guy is Pat Metheny a guitarist I've listen to for years. Its a 10 minute piece that sounds like a bloody hour and half if you don't like jazz (or wern't born in the 50's and listened to progressive music in the 70's).

Sobering moment

2006-10-16T13:48:00.000+01:00

I had what could be called an early warning on Sunday. I was working in the garden doing some light digging and weeding when I suddenly ran out of energy and felt short of breath. My heart was beating very quickly and I didn't feel well at all. I stopped digging and sat down whereupon the palpataions and breathing subsided. As soon as I felt well again I started digging again and the same thing happened. Now a brick wall doesnt have to fall on me twice for me to get the message (English expression that covers this situation perfectly). I stopped work altogether and had to watch my wife finish of the job. I am not a well man but not so long ago I was not a well man who was quite fit.

I used to go to the gym every other day although I stopped doing that in 2001. I think that was a poor way to begin the 21st century. Its not often that you are confronted by your own mortality and its amazing how the confrontation affects the mind. My first thoughts were "I'm going to have a heart attack". Followed quite quickly by "I'm not going to have a heart attack but I feel like sh1t". My third thought was "This is not good enough - I have to become fit again". So all the whinging about not enough free time will end. I have to run, cycle, walk, swim, anything to improve my aerobic fitness.

If I lived in Africa or the Amazon jungle or even Nepal I would probably be dead now. I'm lucky that I have access to the medication that allows me to live a more or less normal life. If I'm not fit then I'm letting my self down. Not to mention the rest of the family.

Time to spare

2006-10-12T12:13:00.000+01:00

I've just read my son's blog (must sort out a link to his site from here). He seems fine and quite happy at the moment. I've also read my daughter's blog. She seems to be quite happy too aprt from being pregnant and whinging about her job. I have a little good news. My other daughter is now pregnant too! There will be two new arrivals to the family in 2007. I will have two more grandchildren! Double the amount I have at the moment. I can't wait. Being a grandad is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. While I don't think that I have the stamina to bring up small children on a 24 hour 7 days a week basis I can enjoy being in the comapny of children - my grandchildren - for as long as I wish. I'm not being sentimental; I love my grandchildren and the prospect of having more of them fills me with excitement and delight. Perhaps I should have been Italian!!

For David

2006-10-09T14:51:00.000+01:00

Some JT for you...

Steve Tibbetts

2006-10-07T13:54:00.000+01:00

After a lot of messing about with HTML and urls. I was shown the easy way to include sound and vision on my blog. Thanks D. (Its all down to the website you get the code from).

That noisy racket on the Test 2 update was by Steve Tibbetts. Its an amazing piece of music; sounds like the guy has ten fingers on each hand! I like that a lot. But it won't be to every one's taste.

Now thats sorted out this blog may have some good music on it so that anyone who visits will have something to watch and listen to rather than read my bable about life.

I'll also be able to dedicate to my son who, rather embarassingly, has started dedicating music to me on his blog. I wouldn't mind but people read his blog!

Test 2

2006-10-07T13:50:00.000+01:00

Test 2.

Security

2006-10-03T17:35:00.000+01:00

Never ever give away your password and loggin details. I've been told that a certain pregnant woman has managed to hack into my son's MS blog. Not only that a certain amount of defamation of character has occurred. I think that this sort of thing is appalling, I'm appalled!

This is the downside of the digital revolution I suppose. Having to protect yourself from the evil (or on this case mischevious) behavior of others. My son saw the funny side and once his rattle is back in his homophobic pram he'll be fine!

test

2006-10-01T15:51:00.000+01:00

src="mms://msent.wmod.llnwd.net/a304/o2-orange/msftmsne/Prod/wmv/v9/Video/92/49/53/301534992.wmv" type="application/x-mplayer2" pluginspage="http://www.microsoft.com/Windows/MediaPlayer/"

This is a test entry to see if I can add video to the blog.

Attention

2006-09-29T13:57:00.000+01:00

In the words of Homer Simpson WOO HOO! I've had a comment from someone who isn't a family member! It isn't the first comment from the big wide world but I haven't had a non family member comment for a long time. It brings home the public nature of blogging. Anybody can read this stuff. It also means of course that I can read the blogs of others which is something I have'nt done (apart from my son's blog and my daughter's blog(s)). I've just had a quick look at other blogs in blogspot and discovered recipies, music and photographs that were intriguing, clever and in some cases amazing.

I picked up a bit of advice from a Chinese girl who lives in Stutggart; thats the one in Germany, Europe:

"When a task has once begun, never leave it till it's done"."Be the labour great or small, do it well or not at all".

One of my school teachers used to say something similar! He was talking about woodwork but it can be applied to any field of endeavour, cooking, writing,working,blogging. Any adjective you can add an 'ing' to really.

I also found a piece of music that I'd forgotten - "First we take Manhattan" by Leonard Cohen. He was very popular in the 1970's although I found his music a little depressing. He recently released an album with a reworked version of First we take Manhattan thats quite upbeat. The lyrics are a little "Catcher in the Rye", see forth verse below. I must work out how to attach music to this blog.

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
For trying to change the system from within
I'm coming now, I'm coming to reward them
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I'm guided by a signal in the heavens
I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin
I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I'd really like to live beside you, baby
I love your body and your spirit and your clothes
But you see that line there moving through the station?
I told you, I told you, told you, I was one of those

Ah you loved me as a loser, but now you're worried that I just
might win
You know the way to stop me, but you don't have the discipline

How many nights I prayed for this, to let my work begin
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I don't like your fashion business mister
And I don't like these drugs that keep you thin
I don't like what happened to my sister
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I'd really like to live beside you, baby ...

And I thank you for those items that you sent me
The monkey and the plywood violin
I practiced every night, now I'm ready
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I am guided

Ah remember me, I used to live for music
Remember me, I brought your groceries in
Well it's Father's Day and everybody's wounded
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin
I'm guided by a signal in the heavens
I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin
I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I'd really like to live beside you, baby
I love your body and your spirit and your clothes
But you see that line there moving through the station?
I told you, I told you, told you, I was one of those

Ah you loved me as a loser, but now you're worried that I just
might win
You know the way to stop me, but you don't have the discipline

How many nights I prayed for this, to let my work begin
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I don't like your fashion business mister
And I don't like these drugs that keep you thin
I don't like what happened to my sister
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I'd really like to live beside you, baby ...

And I thank you for those items that you sent me
The monkey and the plywood violin
I practiced every night, now I'm ready
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I am guided

Ah remember me, I used to live for music
Remember me, I brought your groceries in
Well it's Father's Day and everybody's wounded
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

Bravery

2006-09-28T14:26:00.000+01:00

I've just read my son's blog. MS is giving him a good kicking at the moment. He is in a lot of pain and now has no medication other than pain killers. While he doesn't seem any worse physically - he can walk with a stick but needs a wheelchair for extended periods - he's having emotional upheaveal as his girl friend will be moving away with her parents to a different part of the country. One of her parents is seriously ill too. My son will miss her terribly. I think that he needs to be around other human beings and the sooner we can get him nearer to the family the happier I will be. He is very brave and has a strong postitive attitude and both are serving him well. He is a shinning example of human spirit and I am very, VERY proud of him.

My own financial worries pale into insignificance when I read my son's blog. Life is a lottery, the fact you get born at all is amazing. I once wrote a piece here about the meaning of life as described by Monty Python, my son did a similar piece with better pictures. I still think that we are here to be happy. Perhaps that should read we are here to be happy regardless of the circumstances.

Life is relentless and just goes on and on. We all have to be brave; I feel lucky to have such an exellent role model.

I was cheared up a little by some intereesting news from my daughter - moving closer to home - and my other in law daughter who I think of and describe as my daughter - job interview. If/when my daughter moves back we will all be back together again it will be like the Walton's all over again. If/when my other daughter gets this new job she will be earning more than I am! I'm unconflicted about that; bringing up young children is an extremely costly business these days and what granddad would not want the best for his grandchildren?

Live Music

2006-09-25T14:53:00.000+01:00

Had a good weekend. Went to see a Pink Floyd tribute band called Off The Wall on Saturday night followed by a small party 23:300 to 02:15. On Sunday went to the South Lakes and bought some fantastic ginger shortbread.
I've never seen a tribute band of any kind before Saturday and I didn't know what to expect. I honestly thought that they would be awful. I was pleasantly surprised. Each number was done more or less straight as the original recordings with a bit of artistic license here and there. The guitar,sax and vocal solo's were just amazing. I know that some people don't enjoy the creative aspect of a live performance but I think that its essential to my enjoyment of the show. I can enjoy the original recording but I like to see what the band can do with the material. I imagine that if you are in a band on tour playing the same thing night after night would get pretty dull,
The party was good too. The beer flowed like wine (and so did the wine). The company was good and we all had fun. I discovered that my host's wife is desperate to have sex outdoors, a fantasy she had had for some time. So I offered and she said yes! (If any of my children are reading this you will know who I am talking about NOTHING happened!) She'd had an awful lot of wine though bless her and she usually talks way too much when she's had a few. Just goes to show that excessive alcohol consumtion in an innocent environment can be fun.
The South Lakes were brilliant. The day started with crap weather at home; we nearly didn't go. I'm glad we did go though. By the time we drove there the sun was out and the temperature was high. The hills looked gorgeous in early autumn colours and the lakes looked like mirrors as there was no more than a light breeze. We had a good look around Ambleside and Grasmere. Both places were busy; lots of tourists. But the scenery and the food held our attention.
The weekend set me up for the week ahead and so far I'm doing alright.

Family life

2006-09-22T10:31:00.000+01:00

While I was thinking about free time or rather the apparent lack of it I remebered a time when I was in my mid thirties. I had 4 children and as many hobbies, we went walking in the hills of Northumberland or spent time on the best beaches in the country every weekend. I worked long hours then too. But I shrugged off the stress because, in my own naive way, I thought that was the way life was for everyone. My life was normal; brilliant fun but normal non the less.
So whats different now? I'm older thats for sure and work is more stressful as I have much more responsibility. So why do feel so run down? I don't have children any longer - well not in the sense of demanding 24/7 children. I don't have many hobbies any more I don't even get in to the garden often any more either.
I haven't been exhausted by family life so I must be whining about old age. If its my perception of tiredness that the issue then I can do something positive to change things. Fifty percent of the energy you think you have is mental energy. Thats that solved then! I'll be walking over to collect my grandchildren from school this afternoon time to put theory into practice! Can't wait.

Taking back the power

2006-09-21T10:49:00.000+01:00

I wrote the other day about not having enough time to update this blog. I've thought about it a lot since then and it dawned on me that I may just be getting old. I actually work fewer hours than I did last year and fewer still than I did in the 90's. So I feel stessed rather than tired.
According to the media large numbers of people are saying that they have little or no free time. Is this just a fashionable whinge? There are statistics that show as a nation we are working longer hours. There is also a study from Scandanavia that shows in comparison with ourselves Scandanvians produce the same output in a shorter working week. Which suggests that if we didn't fart about so much we wouldn't have to work such long hours. This is of course complete bollocks, if our employers want to pay us for these long hours we have to work then we will work the long hours and take the money. We shouldn't whine about not having enough free time if we accept payemnt for the lack of free time.
If we want free time then we have to take back the power. During those awful Thatcher years there was a lot of talk about productivity - talk that you don't hear any longer, largely as a direct result of the policies of Thatcher. We don't actually produce a lot of anything anymore. So if we are all stuck in a service industry of some sort and we think that we have no free time I think that we should fart about as much as possible and take our free time as the opportunity presents itself. Take up smoking or if you're worried about your health pretended that you smoke; you can get a ten minute break every hour. Most offices nowadays allow limited internet access; keep a window open so that you can do some discreet surfing inbetween bits of work or during long telephone meetings (or update your blog!). You could of course work from home which is the ultimate solution. Being paid for long hours to stay in your own house. On quieter days its possible to a little decorating or gardening or whatever. Not that I do any of that when I work from home.
Take back the power use your free time when it arrives. I hope to update more regularly from now on.

Good intentions

2006-09-19T21:47:00.000+01:00

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The following is something I intended to place here and continue. I just haven't had time. The positive effects of my holiday have evaporated in work and family commitment. Making time is getting harder.
My son and daughter are off to New York for 7 days so my wife and I are babysitting my two granddaughters. I thought that I might do a daily diary of events so that I can remember what happened.

My granddaughters are aged 9 and 3 respectively. The youngest one has a nickname of Mouse although I don’t know why – she is small and beautiful but she is not shy or timid in any way. I would have nicknamed her wolverine on speed as she is into everything and has an appetite for chaos. She is hell bent on destruction of other people’s property. The older one is beautiful too and life with her is a joy although she is a bundle of insecurity.

Last night they went off to sleep just fine or so we thought. They were in bed just after 20.00 while their parents were still around. Once their parents left they switched on the bedside light and mucked about until we discovered what was going on around 21.00. After that they slept well. The little one rose at 06:45 this morning as bright as a button and went straight to see my wife. I lay still pretending I was asleep and they went off to look for biscuits. I must have actually gone back to sleep as the next thing I knew our dog jumped on me only to leap off me and continue chasing about the house egged on by both my granddaughters.

As the morning wore on my oldest granddaughter changed from a lucid, well mannered, intelligent young girl into a vacuous blonde (she isn’t blonde) once she had eaten she slipped into a sort of dream like state and took ages to do anything. We arrived at school on time though.

What will this evening hold?

You will never know as I couldn't maintain the diary. My granddaughters are wonderfull and the older one isn't vacuous all the time - just first thing in the morning!

Four good books or three

2006-09-06T11:44:00.000+01:00

Back from holidays and end of first week back. Had one migraine already and a filthy cold that I don’t seem to be able to shift.

I read 4 books while I was away.

The Da Vinci Code (I thought that I would leave it until it was an unfashionable read – fashion in all its forms is a waste of time). I was pleasantly surprised. A good story and well written. What was all the fuss about?

The Last Templar which was ok but I didn’t enjoy the ending. A Bart Simpson would say “this sucks and blows!”

A tall man in a low land – Some time among the Belgians. This was excellent in a laugh out loud sort of way. (lol is the fashionable expression or so I believe).

Homer’s Odyssey. A real classic that I have owned for a while but didn’t have the motivation to read all the way through. I also own the Aeneid which I am now going to read. As I can’t read ancient Greek I have to accept the translation was accurate; I wonder what was left out. I know little of ancient Greece but I do know that there was a lot of sh@gging going on, young boys mainly on the receiving end. Civilised? Don’t talk cobblers.

Anyway the holiday is over. Roll on Christmas, roll on next year’s holiday. As long as things roll on I’ll be alright.

Next time I give my opinion of a book I'll try to remember the authour's name.

Happy holidays

2006-08-08T22:28:00.000+01:00

Only one day to go before my holidays. I don't actually leave the country for three days though. I'm looking forward to the break of routine and doing bugger all if thats what I feel like doing. A few books and a LARGE empty glass is all I need at the moment. After a couple of days though I'll be looking for things to do. I'm going to Tenerife (after I said I would never go again, this is not my fault, I'm doing someone a favour). This will be the last holiday abroad with my grandchldren so it's important to me. That said I won't be babysitting too much; two members of the party will be dropping their children and disappearing of to New York as soon as we get back.

So I won't complain if we're under the flight path, or in a concrete monster of a building, or miles from civilisation or if the shops are shut (there's at least one public holiday while we're there). I want to forget the events of last Xmas. I want to see if my family are actually happy. I haven't seen much of them recently as work has bubbled up again.

Here's to a happy holiday!

Parachutes

2006-08-01T15:36:00.000+01:00

My son D has finally completed his intended parachute jump at the fifth attempt. Tandemed with someone who knew what they were doing from 14000 ft. It was fantastic to watch particulaly as I had been involved in the transport for most of the previous failed attempts. It was a slightly stressful day knowing that one of your children (yes I know that he's 30 years old)is going to fall from a great height.
It was a perfect day for it with a clear sky with just enough cloud cover to actually see what was going on without the glare. In the end it was quite matter of fact. He got on the plane, it took off, he jumped out and floated down to earth. It was over in 15 or 20 minutes. He's done something that I will never do. I am very proud of him and I hope that it shows.

Is it me?

2006-07-24T17:12:00.000+01:00

Haven’t posted for a while because I’ve been busy working. Bonus in shares this time (its worth twice the cash!), pay rise back dated to April and thank you letters from customers. All wonderful stuff but I am knackered. Only 2.5 weeks until my hols and I can’t wait. I haven’t had time to post a comment or think of anything interesting to write about.

I’ve been a little unavailable to the family lately but they haven’t mentioned it or moaned about it although I have noticed a change in my wife. She is beginning to treat me in the same manner that her best friend treats her husband. He’s a nice guy, he earns loads of money and is attentive to his wife and kids and I don’t understand the problem that she has with him. In company she calls him useless and an idiot and generally runs him down. She disagrees with him over trivial matters (perhaps this is a method of generating sexual tension – best to draw a discrete veil over that!).

Now I should point out that my wife doesn’t treat me this shabbily but she does question my judgement and decisions in public. Perhaps that’s how this behaviour begins. It seems to me that as she has bonded with her friend that their attitude to life in general and their husbands in particular have synchronised somewhat. Its almost as if I’ve got to be a complete tit because her friends husband is. This observation may a load of dingo’s kidneys; as I say I have been a little unavailable recently (and perhaps I am a complete tit). Perhaps it’s the menopause “she’s at a funny age y’know”. I better make sure that she takes her tablets and that I take mine too!

TGIF

2006-06-30T14:47:00.000+01:00

No work today. Today is the end of our leave year and I’m not allowed to carry over any days so I’m taking my last day to day. Its been nice just to have time to think, to wander about in the sunshine, to buy my wife a present.

In ten minutes time I’ll be walking over to collect my grandchildren from their school and next three hours will be filled with their laughter, their spontaneity and intelligence. I’m a lucky man. Days like this shine in the memory. I’ve done little or nothing today and I feel wonderful. What a way to start the weekend!

Meaning of life type stuff

2006-06-27T22:49:00.000+01:00

It was my birthday of a couple of weeks ago. The start of a personal new year. Time to take stock? Nah not this time. The actual day was a workday so took leave and just bummed about. It was an okay sort of day I did get some interesting presents (an olive tree! Brilliant). But there was none of the usual mulling over. There is too much going on within the family for me to waste time mulling over my worries.

My eldest son and his wife are back on track with a few issues simmering in the background. Nothing too serious but enough to keep me thinking. I haven’t seen a lot of them recently but I am looking forward to going on holiday with them in August.

My second son is having a really bad time. His employers are trying to finish him but that’s against the law so they are reducing his pay (£124 last month) to force him into seeking state benefits and retirement. He is very stressed out and its affected his condition to the point where he is very nearly unable to walk. He’s being fitted for a wheel chair this week.

My third son is fine. No change. Happy I hope.

My daughter is moving back from Oxford minus her husband – they’re not splitting up – she can’t face the loneliness of being a forces wife.

So much to think about. My life may be half over but I find that although I worry about my family I haven’t lost my appetite for life. I enjoy as many of the moments as I can (some moments aren’t enjoyable no matter how hard you try). I still get excited about events and people (particularly my grandchildren – its worth staying alive just see your grandchildren. It’s a lot being an irresponsible parent just taking pure joy form being in their company and letting them have their way!). I’m still talking to anyone who will listen about the outdoor Macbeth I saw last week. That’s the secret to being happy. Taking delight in the small things in life. It pays not to be negative about anything (sometimes cynicism is unavoidable but give everything a chance).
I watched Monty Python’s Meaning of Life last night. Haven’t seen it for years. Now I think that if your going to enjoy Monty Python then you had to be born in the fifties or sixties and I know some people would rather have a tent peg screwed into their ears than watch Monty Python BUT I enjoyed it. Apart from the anarchy there is a lot of piss taken out the standard philosophies and a truly excellent song by Eric Idle that actually explains our situation perfectly. It’s better with music and Eric Idle’s voice but the lyrics are as follows:

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

We’re only here to be happy! I must try harder!

Conspiracy theory

2006-06-15T23:05:00.000+01:00

Earlier this year when it should have been spring, Winter dragged on didn’t it? I watched a conspiracy program on Sky One. Now watching documentaries on Sky One is a bit like reading The Sun newspaper (there’s an oxymoron). Let’s just say that it wasn’t the most striking piece of journalism I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been one for conspiracy theories as most of them sound ridiculous. But amongst the usual fare; “Real aliens at Roswell” and “We never sent men to the moon” for example there was a little gem that may just be true. Why did America invade Iraq? For the oil right? They didn’t find weapons of mass destruction. Well this theory states that the real reason the US of A invaded was that Iraq had announced that it would no longer trade oil in US dollars and had set up its own market based on the Euro. Now the US would not look too kindly on that as oil prices worldwide are fixed in dollars regardless of where in the world the oil is produced.

Saudi Arabia’s bank account resides in New York. Oil is crucial to the American economy. Near the end of the Iraq war Iran announced that it too would fix oil prices in Euros and guess what? All of sudden Iran is having its nuclear industry questioned. Are they making atomic bombs? Should they be allowed to make an atomic bomb? IRAN is being isolated just as Iraq was before the US invaded. If things don’t calm down the US may just decide to invade Iran too or worse just fire two dozen nuclear missiles into the country (to minimize US casualties). That will do the West/Islam relationship a power of good. And that children was how World War Three began. As conspiracy theories go this is a plausible one.

As Bill Bailey said America is the world’s bully, going around threatening other countries making serious demands and Britain is the cowardly bully’s assistant who hides behind America shaking a weak fist and saying “yeah”. Who will save us all from America? Well it will have to be China. Better start teaching your sons and daughters mandarin pronto.

Its obvious that I am working very hard at the moment, I don’t have time to do anything but work and the list of things I have to do each day is just getting longer. The work we had planned in the house and garden has been slow in starting and this is somehow my fault. My wife agreed to run a 5k fun run for charity so we have to train in the evenings which has taken me away from other things that I could be doing. To be honest after 18:00 hours I just want to sit and rest. So now I have pressure from my wife to get on with things that she shows no sign of beginning either. So with fatigue and stress I don’t have time to scratch my arse let alone work on the house. I’m not complaining though I only complain when I’m bored. (Best song in the world about being bored – Iggy Pop “I’m bored”).

Headache dude.

2006-06-07T11:57:00.000+01:00

In the words of many a blues song introduction I woke up this morning. Of course I did, I wake up every morning. But I woke up this morning with bright zigzag lights in my field of vision; these bright lights I have come to recognise as the precursor to a migraine headache. A migraine is a real b@ast@rd and to have one first thing in the morning is just unfair. I did the usual thing. I took two 500mg of paracetamol as soon as the lights were apparent and avoided the blinding headache and now I am left with the sore brain, sore cranium part of the whole migraine experience. With luck I will also avoid the miserable-ness and retching. The most unfair thing about a migraine is that they happen whether I have abused my body with alcohol or not. In the last three weeks I have consumed in total eight pints of beer (not in one go) and one sip of red wine (literally). No other recreational drugs have been used. If anything I am being healthy I’m even exercising perhaps my body is rejecting the healthy way of life after five and a half years of abusing my body. The last time I had a migraine was 1998. They are that memorable. Anyway my concentration is all over the place its taken 20 minutes to write this much.

One thing I can concentrate on is my holiday. The confirmation arrived today so I will be enjoying airline food (always have) apparently your taste buds and your clitoris work better at 35000 feet which might explain the large number of mile high club members one encounters on long haul flights. However I only have taste buds so the best experience I will have on the plane will be the meal. I enjoy take off too, its better than a ride at Alton Towers. I will also enjoy Tenerife. I’ve been a few times and done the tourist things so this time I want to relax and maybe have a look at some things that I’ve read about; things that I didn’t know where there, a botanical garden for example or perhaps a museum. Lord Nelson attacked Tenerife way back when and got his ass kicked and lost his arm. There is a museum that still has his flag and a toadying letter of surrender. Then of course there are camel rides. Tenerife has the most flatulent camels in the world and rides are all done in single file so the only camel to sit on is first one! Or am I thinking of Lanzarote? My concentration is shot today.

International Football

2006-06-06T15:03:00.000+01:00

I don't like football. Never have. When I was at school sometime in the last century I was crap at it. I was always the goal keeper or left back. Would have been happier if I had been left back in the dressing room. Then of course I was fortunate to be born in the North East. I was born just after Newcastle United's glory years. So the local team were crap too. I never encouraged my children to play or enjoy football and thank god that worked. I never had to spend winter sunday mornings freezing my ass while my offspring ran around playing football as badly as I did.

At present the town where I live resemmbles the North West headquarters of the National Front! It gives me great pleasure when I see a broken England car flag hanging forlornly out of a dustbin or in the gutter having flapped its last. There is a joke circulating Engalnd at the moment in the form of a Highways Agency information memo warning drivers of other road users with no little or no road sense. They've identified the offending drivers by fitting a white flag with a red cross to their cars! Its the best knock against the commercialism of the world cup that I've heard so far. Things will only get worse as we slide into becoming the 51st state.

I shoudln't complain too much about football though; I've an invitation to watch each match at my friend's house he has a 50 inch TV. It just an excuse for alchol really. I went round there to watch the FA cup and got so trolleyed that I stopped watching the football and tried to chat up his wife and her cousin. I'm a complete lounge lizard after ten pints!

Holidays. Don't you just love 'em?

2006-06-05T15:58:00.000+01:00

My holiday predicament has been resolved. I was concerned that I wouldn’t get a real fly of somewhere warm holiday this year. The situation was resolved when my daughter asked if we could all go on a timeshare holiday. These are usually quite cheap as the only cost is the flight and insurance. However as it is now the end of May the chances of getting anything in August are minimal. We were saved however and I can now look forward to 2 weeks on sunny Tenerife. I was trying to remember how many times I have been there and I think its three times so this will be the last time I think. Its not that I don’t like the place, it’s a dramatic island and the locals are really nice people, it’s the tourist industry there that bothers me. Its all been overdone.

That said there are some fascinating sights to see particularly the island of Gomera now that’s where I would go if I won 15 million on the lottery. The island is mountainous and covered in a unique type of European rainforest. Its amazing. They do an incredible coffee called a baraquito. It is made with evaporated milk and has a large brandy in it – beautiful.

Tenerife also has those lovely potatoes and mojo sauce, delicious fish (tuna and sea bass in particular). They also have Ron Meil which is one of the finest drinks ever made made. The sea will be warm the weather will be hot and I will there with my family what could I possibly be bothered about? The price? Yes it was a little pricey. But I’ve always been the live now pay later type of guy. That’s why I have no money I’m always paying later! I can’t wait but I’ll have to as it will be August before I go away. Lets hope that the weather stays fine!

Euro-Entertainment?

2006-05-23T10:53:00.000+01:00

Feeling down? Go to google an type "Who won the eurovision Song Contest". Take a look at the heavy metal band from Finland that won the competion. What a bunch of freaks! KISS have a lot to answer for. When you listen to them talk I can imagine that they take off their costumes and make up at the end of the day, put on a smoking jacket and with their pipe and slippers sit and watch crap Finnish TV all evening.

I dont watch the eurovision song contest, I stopped watching it when I was 11 years old. It stopped being funny in the sixties when the UK entered for the first time and Sandy Shaw won with "Puppet on a string". Later that year I went to Belgium on holiday with my folks and their friends. We went into a cafe full of burly lorry drivers who were, and I kid you not, dancing in a wierd puppet fashion to what was probably the worst piece of music ever produced by this country.

While Belguim could be the subject of a separate rant, the dancing lorry driver episode made me think that Europe must be an awful place. A place so starved of "proper" entertainment that a below average 60's pop song could suceed where the other 6 countries (the european community was much smaller back then) failed.
Of course what I couldn't appreciate at the time was that the 60's happened in Britain and not throughout Europe. Until quite recently the UK has been leading European youth culture by the nose. Since I was 11 years old I have travelled over much of western Europe and found that their TV, radio and music output have been crap. To be fair the UK oputput during the same period wasn't brilliant but we did have some quality entertainment.

Nowadys our TV output is a mixture of American crap, Australian crap and good old home made crap. Our radio isn't much better. There's talk of privatising Radio 1 & 2. Our music scene is a little better and it is streets ahead of Europe. The English Channel isn't very wide (20 miles) but there is an ocean between English and European youth culture.

I may be in trouble

2006-05-22T14:10:00.000+01:00

Common courtesy used to be something that was taken for granted in these cold and wet islands. We used to be polite. Before the sixties came along we were so far up ourselves that a social gaff of any kind could lead to exclusion or social isolation and defamation of character. This was not political correctness it was the English way. It was the middle class, Church of England way.

Things are a little more relaxed nowadays but I think that your loved ones deserve a degree of courteous behaviour or at very least civility even if you can be more relaxed with them.

I may have made a mistake. Nothing new there but it is very easy to do the wrong thing, write inappropriate words or text the badly constructed message.

So I’d like to apologise to everyone who knows me. For having that extra drink, for the inappropriate use of the F word, for the apparent neglect, for the letter or email or text that could be read in two ways, for spending too much, for the harsh words, for being an idiot, for being irritable, for being in the wrong place at the right time and vice versa, for not knowing better. For everything.

This will not, I am sure, go any way to making the recipient of my last text message feel any better. Ignore my text. I really hope that you get well soon. That was all I wanted to say.

I feel better having that off my chest. I have to make sure that I don’t need to do that again.

Good times bad times

2006-05-15T17:41:00.000+01:00

Good times bad times. The weekend started badly. Another trek into Manchester, a city that I now detest as much as I detest a certain Swedish furniture store. It costs £15 each way but its not the cost I dislike its time I use up. I have no issues picking up my son its just that he lives in Manchester a 45 minute drive that actually takes an hour and a half so it’s three hours out of my day. The purpose of the trip was to collect my son because he was about to embark on his fourth attempt at a parachute jump in aid of some MS charities. On Friday the weather was beautiful (although it was raining in Manchester). The following morning I was up at six and we drove off to the parachute club. The weather had changed and there was too much low cloud for the jump to happen. They didn’t tell us that though, well not at first. First they made us sit in a freezing cold shed and buy their awful tea and fried items. It was an old fashioned greasy spoon in a freezer. At one point my son said “Just in case something goes wrong I should let you know that I’m insured for £1 million. If I died it all goes to Mum”. I asked him if he had made any arrangements to get someone into his blog if the worst should happen. He said “I’ve asked my brother to do that”

We eventually went to a warm pub for some real food and rebooked the jump for next Friday. During the conversation my son said that I had an “apathetic” approach to life. It is all to easy to misunderstand the way that others see you. I will have to clean up my act. I think that I am cynical and indifferent to life although I do care about my family passionately. I think that whatever happens on this ball of rock it doesn’t matter at all.

If I’m showing nothing but apathy to the world then it must look as though I don’t care about anything. Perhaps I should stop caring about anything and see if anyone notices.

In the afternoon I did something I haven’t done for years. I watched the FA cup final. It was a mid-life crisis type of day but I enjoyed that part of the day.
It was a good match, I didn’t care who won but in the end the North triumphed over the South so all was well.

On Sunday we did very little. My daughter and her husband (and her very difficult dog) were staying with us as was my son. My eldest son and daughter came by with fantastic news and that cheered me up a lot. After putting off the drive back to Manchester we eventually got back home near midnight.

I love my family more than words can say; the ones in crisis, the ones with debilitating illness and the ones that are merely unhappy. I’ve been in crisis, I have two debilitating diseases and I’ve been unhappy. I’ve got through it all and I’m happy now. I know the secret, its very simple – care about the ones you love. Apethetic? Ridiculous.

Life! Don't talk to me about life!

2006-05-10T15:35:00.000+01:00

I don’t know whether I have time to update this blog or not. My life just seems to get busier and busier. Yesterday lunchtime I was in Cardiff and I received a phone call from my boss that went something like “hello there, how are things going in Wales? And in the South West? Yes it all looks very good indeed. Well as things are going so well in your regions would take over the West Midlands just to help out, it will only be for a couple of months..”. Bastard. A couple of months? That’s how I ended up with the South West! The West Midlands is about to be one of the busiest regions of the country so the responsibilities ramp right up. I very nearly quit right there and then.

I used to like my job; I can work from home so I get to see my grandchildren regularly. I get paid to travel to some of the most beautiful scenery in Britain at least once a month. But it doesn’t seem to matter how good you are or how hard you work the only reward you get is more work. There are days when I think that they want me to resign. I need a holiday. Trouble is I won’t get one until September. I have to wait 5 months; until the European weather, not to mention the British weather, changes for the worse. As Ian Dury once said:
“@rseholes, b@rstards, f**king &unts and pr!cks”.

My wife and I “agreed” that we would not have a holiday or at least not travel too far this year. Well all I can say is that if we don’t go somewhere warm and restful (or warm and exiting) this year then next year we are going to the Caribbean, the States, South Africa or Australia. That’s if I haven’t died from too much stress.

I still have weekends when I can do what I like and last weekend I went to see my son and daughter run a 10k fun run. They both did extremely well and I felt both proud and inspired. I used to run a bit many years ago and I’ve also done long distance walks and cycle rides. My wife was also inspired and has agreed to do the race for life 5k in July. So we are about to start training. I hope that my heart and lungs and legs hold out.

Perhaps the exercise will help with the stress, perhaps not. What I have to remember is that it is not my life, or events within my life, that give me stress. I’m giving myself stress. I know that I care about things too much. I don’t want to stop caring about things passionately because that would change who I am and I like being me, its fun to be me. What I think I should be doing is caring more about the important things, my fabulous family and my friends, and less about the non-important things like work.

My son and daughter seem to be happier. I think that they have a bit more work to do but the they are back together and that’s what is important for both themselves and their children. My son still has some health issues (smoking and drinking) and may be on medication for the rest of his life but he has a better chance of a happier life with his wife and children with him. My daughter is certainly happier. Her blog entries have changed from out and out angst to a more relaxed form of reading. I am still worried about her though. At the height of her troubles she was reading common sense Buddhist advice and she is now back to the horoscopes and tarot cards. I take that to mean she has returned to what passes for normality amongst the western female of the species. I hope that she stays that way forever. I am always here though.

Happiness, joy, guilt, frustration and the monarchy.

2006-04-21T14:56:00.000+01:00

What a fekkin week. Its been short but nasty. Bank holidays always screw up my working week. I’ve had no time to update this week until today.

Easter was brilliant, the weather was fine and warm, we did some gardening (a lot of gardening actually I’m still in pain), saw the grandchildren twice; it was perfect. We spent a day with my son and his wife (fantastic meal) and the little ones. It was interesting to watch my son and daughter interact with each other and a joy to see them enjoying themselves together.

My wife pointed out that W still doesn’t often look at us when he speaks. I’ve read that this is a warning sign in small children but I’ve no idea what it means when an adult does it. Are J and I responsible for his depression by giving him an unhappy childhood? I think not. We have photographic evidence to the contrary. I know that my relationship with W was as difficult as my own relationship with my father, I had a happy enough childhood but I couldn’t do anything right after the age of 11. I didn’t look at my father either. I did begin to do it sometime around my 50th birthday. So is W’s depression my fault, did I repeat my father’s mistakes? I could have I honestly don’t know. I do know that my relationships with my other children have been slightly different but they are all quite different personalities. I’ve suffered from depression myself and I know how rotten it is. I also know how easy it is to start and think in a different way. I woke up one morning and decided that I didn’t want to feel horrible any longer. I didn’t think of suicide I just decided that I wanted to be happy. I stopped thinking about what I wanted and started to enjoy what I had. There’s a line in a Sheryl Crow song that goes something like “Its not getting what you want/ Its wanting what you’ve got” that sort of sums up the feeling. I realised that I was lucky, my life could have been a lot worse. So should I be feeling guilty about my son and his problems? On balance I don’t think so although I don’t think that I will ever know for certain. Something else to carry about in the emotional back pack.

My second son D has MS. He also has woman trouble. He has been waiting for some sign of commitment from his latest girlfriend which hasn’t been forthcoming. I understand his position. I also understand her position, she has just come out a long relationship and may not want to commit to anything. Any way instead of asking her what she wanted and wait politely for her decision he asked (or demanded it depends on who you read) for his flat key back and that’s when the fun started. She has a blog too (doesn’t every saddo). She is telling the world that she now intends to harm herself. D has faced this before with his previous girl friend. How does he attract these obsessive, dependant women? D has enough stress in his daily life without this. I think that D should concentrate on getting his own life sorted out and let the poor girl make her own mind up. If their relationship is over then its over, they should both move on. Self harm? Life is too short, grow up and get on with it.

My musical support this week has been firmly rooted in the days when the world was a happier place. I am still listening to Captain Beefheart who wrote and performed some truly odd songs with titles like “Sun Zoom Spark”, “Big eyed beans from Venus” and “Their ain’t no Santa Claus on the evening stage”. He has an impressively deep gravely voice and his gentle humour and craziness have kept reality at bay or at least at arms length this week. Well its Friday afternoon. I have the prospect of beer and gardening this weekend weather permitting (although I’ve never seen it rain inside a pub).

Oh and the head sponger is 80 today. Happy birthday your majesty! Without you we could have afforded a better National Health Service. There is a book written in 1776 by an American, Thomas Paine, called Common Sense. In it he says some interesting things about Kings, Queens and the British Constitution. On page 11 he says “The prejudice of Englishmen, in favour of their own government by kings, lords, and commons, arises as much or more from national pride than reason”. Right on Thomas old chap. It’s a good read.

Easter approaches.

2006-04-12T10:59:00.000+01:00

We had a good weekend with Jill’s dad and his girlfriend. On Friday I had to collect them from the airport which was a depressing experience. I always associate airports with travel and adventure. It’s a bit of a downer to go there and not get on a plane and disappear off to somewhere warm/different/exciting.

We had a good time over the weekend though had two nights of music and conversation listening to the fabulous time they had in Goa. It was 39 degrees C over there! It was 9 degrees here (he he). We had the BEST lamb dinner I’ve had for a long while. Roasted simply with garlic and rosemary it was brilliant.

The in laws left early on Sunday as there were tales of snow in Newcastle! They rang when they arrived back in Newcastle there was no snow but the temperature was 3 degrees C. My father in law thanked me for picking him up and our hospitality, he called me “son”. He’s a top bloke who has been more of a father to me over the last 34 years than my real father.

My wife and I spent the afternoon in the garden catching up, clearing and sowing. We’ve got a lot of work to do during Easter; kitchen units to price up, allotment gardening, our back garden reconstruction. The holiday will start on Maundy Thursday and continue until the following Wednesday. My son with MS may be with us, he has to work the Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully the grandchildren will turn up too; we may even see my parents. I look forward to weekends like this. It’s a shame that it will be too cold for a barbeque.

My son with MS has moved from his top floor flat into a ground floor flat. He was having increasing difficult with the 4 flights of stairs. We helped him move and I must admit to being at little shocked at the standards of cleanliness of the average flat dweller in Manchester. The flat that he moved into was perfect for him but it was so dirty! The walls need a coat of paint as does the bedroom and the bathroom is just awful. The room has the look of something that stays at the bottom of the Manchester ship canal and rises up when the light is switched on. He is so brave – he has no other option – with his condition but to move into a filthy flat takes guts. He won’t be able to clean it as well as a healthy man; mind you a lot of single men just don’t care. As a fully reconstructed male I am aware of the need for cleanliness. I cringe at the thought of my son living in such poor conditions. I would rather he came home. But as long as he can work he will have to stay in Manchester. The independence is important as is the daily interaction with other human beings. Manchester is better for both his financial and mental wellbeing but he needs to be near his family and friends when things get tough.

My son and daughter’s problems seem to have receded somewhat. They both are a lot happier. My daughter was torturing herself over the hows and whys of my son’s behaviour and the woman with whom he had an affair. More self-destruction. She was badly shaken by the events over Christmas and has a need to analyse every element of her own anguish. She is still casting about for help but I think that she will be alright in the end. Its going to take time for both of them to come to terms finally. But they are not alone and they are not stupid even if their behaviour last year indicates otherwise! They have I think realised what their relationship was all about and how important they are to each other. They also now know the value of love and the value of children.

I’m still worried about them though, can’t be helped I’m afraid.

I like to think that I have a wide taste in music and I have been listening to new stuff and old stuff.

New Stuff: Hard Fi, The Editors (they sound to me like REM with a little U2 guitar thrown in), Coldplay (are they becoming old stuff now, already?), Franz Ferdinand, Black-eyed Peas, Jose Gonzalez, David Gilmour.

Old Stuff (mainly for nostalgic reasons): Micheal Breaker (he’s dieing), Frank Zappa (he’s dead), Captain Beefheart (listen to “Clear Spot” on vinyl to be transported to early 70’s madness and mayhem; this was poetry set to music really but at the time it was pure anarchy, real punk music before the Sex Pistols invented their fashion statement), The Ramones, The Cult, Queens of the Stone Age and Massive Attack (this last is pure nostalgia for me. I didn’t like them at the time as I prefer blues to soul, but it sounds quite quaint now).

As one door closes - part 2

2006-03-27T20:24:00.000+01:00

Spent the weekend with my daughter and son in law, they'd both come home for mother's day. Went out for lunch on the Sunday with my wife, my youngest son, daughter, son in law and his mum. Good day.
That evening we took the dogs for a walk and my daughter said that she wanted to move back from Oxford (with her husband - I'm getting good at asking relevant questions these days). She is lonely. The social scene down there is quite structured. It seems that the wifes of pilots (Officers) don't mix with the wives of lower ranks. Sargents and corporals' wives socialise with each other but not with the upper or lower ranks. My daughter's best friend is leaving with her husband who has been promoted to corporal and is transferring to another base. Its such a pity. Oxford is a beautiful place but it seems that you get frozen out of society if you aren't middle class or aspiring middle class. I detest this sort of class destinction and I thought that we had done away with this sort of thing - its the 21st century for gods sake. But more than making me angy it has given me something else to be concerned about.

My eldest son and daughter seem to be getting back together and moving on. I am very happy for them but I will watch them both carefully over the rest of the year to see how they progress. My son has had a lucky escape, he nearly lost everything including his life.

So in summary my children are OK BUT..

My eldest son is recovering from depression and trying to rebuild his life.
My daughter in law is trying to recover from the shock and trying to rebuild her family.
My second son is struggling with MS - he's moving to a ground floor flat quite soon.
My daughter is lonely and mildly depressed at the the thought of being without friends and family.

To top everything off I ran upstairs this morning and had to sit down as I couldn't breathe and my heart felt as though it was about to burst. I've got to get that gym membership sorted. Hope I live long enough to see my kids happy.

A good Saturday night

2006-03-22T09:13:00.000Z

We had a great family evening on Saturday night. My son D who has MS came over for the weekend and we planned a quiet time. My daughter had other plans. She arranged an impromptu meal and arrived at our house with food and drink and a game called cranium. We ate well, my grandchildren got to see their uncle and we sat down for a few riotous hours playing this wonderful game. We all had rather too much to drink but that just made the game funnier. It was the type of family evening we could have been having for many years. The potential was always there its just that I don’t think we were close enough to relax sufficiently to enjoy each others company as adults in such depth. Throughout my son and daughters splitting up/getting back together problems I have felt that I have become much closer to both of them but particularly close to my daughter in law. I feel much more in tune with her now because we have spent a lot of time talking things through. I now know more about her feelings and aspirations and I am glad that she is still married to my son. I know her likes and dislikes, what we have in common and more importantly I now have an idea of the type of birthday and Christmas presents she would actually enjoy. There are still issues to be addressed within their relationship but the love seems to have returned to their house and I am happy for them, they deserve to be happy and they deserve to be happy with each other.

I awoke on Sunday morning to the sound of my two year old granddaughter gently knocking on my bedroom door and asking me if I was awake. If you don’t have grandchildren you have no idea of the joy they bring to your life. To say that I love them both would be an enormous understatement. I don’t deserve grandchildren like these. I don’t think that I was a particularly good father and I think up until November 05 I wasn’t a particularly good father in law either. My son and daughter’s problems made me realise that I was too wrapped up in my own condition to be happy. I now know what is required of me and I also know that I love everyone in my family. I dreamt about them on Saturday night and again on Sunday night, something I have never done. I don’t now how much help I was to my son and daughter during their major bust up but I do know that going through that pain with them has changed me for the better. There is so much love in the family now I can feel it around me. It was probably there all along and I just didn’t notice. Here’s a big tip to any unhappy people out there: fall in love. Love can save you and redeem you, it can heal you but the most significant thing about being love is how it makes you see and interact with the world. I’m a Gentleman again, a Father again, a Dad again and I feel f@cking marvellous.

Time to book another bloody holiday

2006-03-15T15:16:00.000Z

Its been a while since my last update. There’s no particular reason – the geek in me has had to take a back seat as I have had to do other things, make plans for the garden for example – the work on that stopped when the snow kicked in. I’ve also had to investigate holidays and I really hate doing that nowadays. Over the last three years I’ve arranged and booked a holiday without any input from my wife. She doesn’t seem to have any imagination or adventure left within her spirit. Also over the last four years I have booked holidays that I have had to cancel because others have dropped out at the last minute or my wife has just said “no I don’t want to go” or “we can’t afford to go there”. I am pig sick of having to make this annual decision. I want to see the world don’t get me wrong. However I don’t want to lie on a beach for two weeks. Last year we ended up in Lesvos, an idyllic Greek island in the Aegean Sea, a really beautiful place with nothing to do but sit in the sun during the day, have a lovely meal and a drink in the evening and watch other tourists doing exactly the same things. As a restful time it worked perfectly. For all of the first week we lay by the pool getting tanned (my wife thought that we couldn’t afford to hire a car). I was stir crazy after that week and insisted we get out and about. We did in the end hire a car and got to see the entire island in the second week. My wife always wants to go to Spain or the Canaries (or Greece more lately) and lie in the sun. I understand that she spends her year in the company of small children which is enough to drive anyone somewhere warm for a little time doing nothing at all. Sadly I’m fed up with that. I spend most of the year talking to idiots. Coming up with last minute solutions to impossible problems caused by other f@cking people. I need a little more than a good lie down.
For the last 5 years I’ve wanted to go to America, to see the Grand Canyon specifically and to spend some time in the desert. I have also wanted to visit New York, San Francisco and New Orleans for many years now. I feel that time is running out. There are other places that I also want to visit, Australia, New Zealand, China, Japan, India, Peru, Hawaii and Bora Bora. If I don’t go soon I will never go. In Europe there also some countries I want to visit. Italy (I’ve never been!), France, Portugal, Ireland, Croatia, Sardinia, Corsica, Malta the list goes on and on. Nowadays I get the feeling that my wife is a little agoraphobic and a little anxious about visiting places that we have never visited before. Its loss of control I think. In the past she was a mother who controlled and managed the children. She was brave on their behalf. Now that the children are all adults she has to be brave for herself and she struggles with that. Its trust too. I don’t think that she trusts me anymore. She doesn’t trust my driving (at home or abroad) or my ability to keep her safe. Short of going off on my own I don’t know how this situation is going to be resolved. It is, as they say in this part of Lancashire, doing my head in.
My eldest son’s marriage problems have settled down a bit. At the moment they are back together and appear to be deeply in love. My daughter is still not wearing her wedding ring. She’s waiting for a romantic gesture of some kind that will signal my son’s love for her in a direct and meaningful way (after her fling she organised a trip to Gretna to renew marriage vows). I was surprised to hear that my son had never bought her any jewellery at all during their 17 year relationship. IF YOU’RE READING THIS SON SHE LIKES RUBIES! Mother’s day is surely an opportunity not to be missed. I really hope that they can rebuild their relationship into something that is as good or preferably better than it was originally. They had everything but lost track of themselves. They are lucky; they’ve had a second chance. My hopes and wishes will be with them forever.

Needles and pins

2006-03-02T15:37:00.000Z

My daughter and my eldest son are considering getting a tatoo. They've been thinking this for quite a while and when they went to Amsterdam last year before their troubles began they decided to go ahead. They then decided to have a crisis tatoo something that would show their commitment and solidarity to one another. Now that their relationship is back to gether and on the mend they are talking about again.

Now I am quite clear about tatoos. I don't want one. At my age the texture of my skin is totally different to what it was when I was 30 and a tatoo would look awful. I know this because my father is covered in tatoos that he had done during the war. His tatoos are all about boats or mythical sea monsters and the occasional bare naked lady with hastily added under clothing after he was married. Stange though - he was in the RAF not the Navy. I digress.

My father's tatoos now only have one colour, dark blue, even though they were black and red and green when he was younger. From the age of forty he has said on many occasions that he wished that he hadn't had them done. I would think the same if my upper body was covered in sea snakes and galleons. Nowadays tatoos are cool. I like the ethnic ones the Maori inspired twirls, they look good but they do cover an awfully large part of your body. The tatoos that Wesley Snipes had in the movie Blade are good example. I also like the yakuza tatoos from Japan. But, and its a big but, would I want one? The answer has to be no. I don't fully understand why anyone would want one on their back. It would give their partner something to look at while they were having doggy style sex (I suppose thats a good enough reason as any)! I suspect the the real reason is that it hurts less on the back than anywhere else.

Back in 1999 I worked in an office where two of the girls went and got tatoos on their backs. They designed the tatoos themselves and went to person they could trust and ended up with something rhey were happy with. As a joke I bought a tatoo magazine for the girl who had the pink pig done because she said that in a perverse sort of way she enjoyed the pain. It was quite an extreme magazine and she said somewhat indignantly "do you see me as this type of person?" Of course I said yes. Exactly one month later she had another tatoo done on her stomach this time. It was a pattern from the magazine, a small dragon ridden by an even smaller goth-like woman. She said that she had almost passed out with the pain. I bumped into her in a supermarket in 2002 she'd had two more, on her arms this time. She was hooked but annoyed about the first tatoo she had done because it was too cute and prevented her from having a larger more expansive tatoo on her back.

These things can be habit forming! If I wanted a tatoo it would have to be in the form of a bar code across the back of my neck but it would have to be a readable bar code. You know the sort of thing Name, National Insurance number, Age and message, something like: Give this man beer!

As one door closes another slams in your face.

2006-02-27T09:14:00.000Z

You know that feeling when you been through something - anything, hard time at work, illness etc. - and you think 'I'm glad thats over, things should get a little better"? And then you realise its not over or something just as bad or worse starts up? I had one of those moments on Sunday morning. Bear with me this is a bit longwinded, but I'm in a longwinded frame of mind.

My wife and I sat with my father in law (he's 82 but you wouldn't know it) and his 62 yearold girl friend just talking, mainly about tracing the family history which has turned into the the national hobby following a couple of BBC programs tracing the geneology of one or two minor celebrities. The conversation drifted into holidays, a topic I am begining to detest with a passion. We had planned to go on a narrow boat for a week in May but with one thing and another I haven't organised it. I mentioned how little time we seem have and somehow the conversation turned into a discussion of the difficulties of maintaining work/life balance when you look after small children. My wife may have taken thia as a dig at her chosen profession.This in turn caused a discussion on how much time we spend with our grandchildren. Now I dearly love my grandchldren and I love to be with them, although the two year old can be wearing occaisionly. I know that I moan when we have them at weekends and they wake up very, very early in the morning but in general the time I spend in their company is delightful. They're both wonderful human beings and their childhood will not go on forever. I enjoy the 'grandad experience'. Given my son and daughter's problems over the last few months we have babysat as necessary to help out while they sorted themselves out. Its the least we can do.
My wife began telling her father how many times we had looked after the grandchildren and let slip the fateful sentence "of course we've had them a lot since W and P spilt up before xmas". At that point purient interest on the part of the 62 year old took over and I had to sit while my wife went through the whole story for her benefit. Now I found this painful for two reasons fisrtly I didn't want to hear it again - I don't dwell on the past - and secondly I had told my daughter that my father in law knew nothing about her problems. She was pleased about that because she knew that her husband's grandfather thought highly of her. I could do nothing to stop it; it just rolled out for what seemed like hours. I could not bring myself to comment but changed the subject as soon as I could. Luckily my father in law is quite deaf so he only picked up some of the story. He was very surprised and didn't react any further than that. His girl friend the 62 year old, daily mail reading, reactionay, neo-facist, heard everything though. I've tolerated this woman for a long time. I now feel glad that I only see her a couple of times a year.

Anyway this long story ends here. I'm very sorry Pixie. Grandad P knows all. The story of your troubles is now officially part of the family legend; regardless of the fact that your story is not quite over yet. I don't think that they needed to be told they're not close family or a part of the Lancashire arm either. But whats done is done.

Other than that it was a great weekend! We had a curry night on Saturday. My eldest son cooked a wonderful pork curry, it was brilliant, no powders or pastes used just each spice used appropriately. I firmly believe that only happy people cook well. This was extremely encouraging. I did a Caribean curry and a prawn tikka both excellent but not in the same league as the pork curry my son made. We also played cranium which was really good laugh.

We finally got rid of my in law at 14:00 on sunday and had time to go into the garden where some heavy digging enabled me to rid myself of the frustration caused by my wife's outburst. Next weekend we have my other loverly daughter and her husband and their dog. The dog loves me, but he's deaf and a little insane.

Family life

2006-02-22T17:27:00.001Z

I started this blog for two reasons. The first was discuss or analyze the state of my eldest son's marriage and to have a little fun on the internet. Up to now the blog has been dominated by the former. This is as it should be because the people involved a very dear to me. I have said little or nothing about my other children or my interests. Samll wonder that I've only had a few hits averaging 3.9 seconds.
My real daughter C is a bit of star. She has had quite a life already even for her young years. She lived in south Africa for a while. Now that is a brilliant place. Not the first choice for a holiday for everyone but the people are lovely, the weather is superb in our winter, the wildlife is brilliant and anything seems possible there. If you get the chance go.

My daughter is now married and lives in a completely different part of the country so I don't see her every day but I do think about her every day. She is beautiful, young, fit and well on her way to being a Reiki master. Her husband has the ultimate secure job. She has a great life ahead of her. And you just don't know how proud I am to have such a wonderful daughter. I've sponsered her today for a fun run - the race for life - as she's raising funds for cancer research. The link is http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/catandjen
. Please donate some pennies if you can.

I'm healthy! My family less so.

2006-02-21T13:27:00.000Z

On Friday I spent a delightful hour or so in the company of my daughter in law having a very nice lunch. The meeting was her idea as we haven't sat down and talked for quite while. I value every moment I spend in her company, she has taste, style, imagination and charm and is, as I may have mentioned, quite beautiful. I have known her for over nine years and I love her as much as I love my children, perhaps more. Although the company, the setting and the food were sublime the conversation was much more serious.
She gave me an update on the Relate sessions then a reveiw of family life and then her own feelings and worries. I had prepared myself a little for this meeting but not in enough depth. I am so sorry for the way she she feels and I'm there for her; anything I can do whenever, whatever and howsoever I will do. Even if its just listening. As a man who has been trained to listen I can do that but again as I am a man I have to resist the temptation find a complete solution which I could do but know that I can't do (as it were) - its their problem. There were some things that I found I could not say to her for quite a few reasons - love, sentiment, sensitivity to her feelings, shock, and thats just the start. I don't intend to say them here either.
What I will say is this: their relationship and their love for each other is not dead. Many marriges have survived much worse trauma. They are both in a very unpleasant place as a direct result of actions taken by BOTH of them. If they still love each other enough then thay will find a way to repair the hurt and rebuild their lives togther with their beautifl, beautiful children. Right now I am a very worried man. As a rule I tend not to trust what people say but I do trust what they do. From my postion I have seen what they have both done to upset each other and what they have done since. My son went back to his wife quickly (just a few weeks) after they broke up. My daughter has divorce papers filed with a solicitor. My son (with my daughter's help) has obtained a more correct medication for his depression.
They have both started attending Relate. My son is very very gradually begining to come back to life but he has not yet forgiven himself. He has not started dealing with some important financial and health issues but he has made a small start. They both find talking a little easier and are discussing things more readily. My son has not yet asked my daughter for help (I think that he has to do this). Most of this is positive but there is enough negativity there to cause me concern. My son is ill and my daughter is hurt. My fear is that if my son doesn't recover or doesn't recover quickly enough my daughter will hit him with a divorce that will destroy his life forever and radically change the life of my oldest granddaughter. I am however an optomist through and through. If there is enough love left then their life can be changed, reinvented, improved, renewed - its do-able. They both have to do it. When I was thirtytwo I nearly left my wife. There were no affairs or anything I just thought that I had fallen out of love with her. The reason I am still married to that woman is largely as a result of the love she has for me, her disappointing husband, and my realisation of how valuable it is to have someone who loves you in your life. My daughter doesnt realise how valuable she is, trouble is neither does my son. Perhaps I should tell him, I will tell him, soon.

And I am by the way quite healthy. I had a quick diabetic check up yesterday. My cholesterol is 4.7 (perfect), my blood presure was 122/68 (better than the 135/73 recommended), my blood sugar a slightly elovated 6.8 (7 or below is what I have to achieve) and this is all acheived under stress! Looks like all the had work I've done over the years is helping me stay healthy. I'd better start exercising again soon.

Good health - lets have some

2006-02-15T10:26:00.000Z

Spent a long but enjoyable (sort of) day driving through the shires of England and Wales yesterday. I began the day in Oxfordshire and drove into Buckhinghamshire and Berkshire to visit a small hamlet (it wasn't big enough to be called a village) where a good friend now lives. I'd never been there before but it was just up the road from Ascot and although it was quite posh there were some very, VERY nice big houses with one or two normal, ordinary size houses there (my friend lives in one of these). The sun was shining and it was a quintisential early spring day. My friend was not at home, out at work probably, I'd just popped in on the offchance reaaly as I was vaguely in the area. So back across to Oxfordshire, Wiltshire and Somerset before going into Wales - I don't know which county Cardiff lies in. Then after a exceptionally boring meeting where I virtually said "hello" and "goodbye" and nothing else I drove home the long way: Herfordshire, Gloucestershire, Worcestershire, Staffordshire, Shropshire, Staffodshire again, Cheshire and Lancashire. I stopped a few times to have a bite to eat or telephone home (it Valentine's day). I enjoy driving long distance alone - perhaps I should be a lorry driver - as it gives me time to think. Its not like gardening or Tai Chi though. I can focus my attention on the traffic and the physical actions of driving while my mind wanders over anything and everything. I thought a lot about myself, I've been feeling older than my fiftytwo years for while now and perhaps I am not fully recovered from the recent flu like illness I had. It began when I shaved first thing in the morning. I shave every day but I never really examine my reflection usually because I am pulling faces as the razor moves over my face. There must have been something though because I stopped shaving and had a good look. As I have Addison's disease I am the proud posessor of a year round tan. In winter I look as though I've been abroad or fresh out of a tanning salon. In summer I go quite dark and can look asian. The reason I stopped to look was I have two pathches of white skin one under each eye that I haven't had since I was healthy when all of my body was white. I have "panda eyes" in February. I am also diabetic so are the white eyes a symptom of uncontrolled blood sugar or a sign that my liver is packing in? Or is my heart about to stop? (I have felt real sustained pain in my heart several times this year)Perhaps I need more exercise - that is to say more exercise than the nothing I do at the moment. I have a restricted diet but I cheat without thinking about it so it couold be elevated blood sugar. I looked at the food available in the various motorway service stations and it seemed that my life is set up against the normal way of life. It was very difficult to find food and drink that catered for my requirements. There was too much sugar and too much carbohydrate in just about everything. So after a good long think I decided to try a detox, no alchohol, less caffiene, more water, more fruit and green veg and more exercise. I will also go and have a personal MOT done. (A MOT is test carried out on all British cars over three years old, it is also an all round medical check up for everyone over the age of fifty). Then its light exercise followed by heavy exercise as I get fitter. As long as my heart holds out I'll live long enough to draw my pension!

I stayed overnight at my daughter's house in Oxford and she told me that she was coming to visit us on the first weekend in March. This means that the next three weekends will be spent with family. I know that I should relish the time with spent my family - I love them all - but when I am going to get some quality free time with my wife and my garden?

I spent a long time thinking about my son and daughter's difficulties. Why did they both look outside their marriage for a little happiness? Was it boredom, vanity or desperation that led them to wander or just the natural programming to continue the species? In Blackpool on every night of the year the bars and clubs are full of single and married people who are out without their partner and either on the pull them selves or ready to be pulled should they meet someone who is available. Also in business situations there are times when socialising that sex can be offered and if you meet the wrong person at the right time then mistakes can be made. There are people around who just don't care about vows, their own or others. Twenty years ago I knew a woman, lets call her B, who was married and worked in the same building as me. She went to the pub every time we did usually at lunchtime but occaisionly in the evening. She was tall and slender with long red hair and very pretty. She was a good laugh and her way of saying hello was to put one arm around you, kiss you full on the lips and unzip your trousers. If you couldn't pull away quick enough (if the pub was crowded for example) her hand was inside your pants and she took a firm hold of you giving you marks out of ten. This woman was having an affair with two people in my office (neither of them was me) even though she was happily married. While messing around with another may be fun or even exciting it merely infaltes your ego and encourages you to continue. The fact is that this kind of messing around can ruin lives. I know that my son and daughter have given themselves a fright and now realise the full implications of their actions. I hope they both can salvage their relationship and return to a happier life together.

I mentioned the alarming woman above to illustrate that, while I've never had an affair, I'm not holier than thou by any means, I'm as fallible as anyone. (I was a nine apparently! She called me "Bwana").

Whose life is it anyway?

2006-02-13T14:27:00.000Z

Well February is only half way through and my life has returned to what it was last year. I have no free time to do what I want to do (whatever that may be). My brother and sister in law came to visit over the weekend; no worries there they are good company and I like having them over. However next weekend is the scheduled parachute jump for D so there will be a housefull again next weekend. The weekend after that my Father in law is coming down.

Don't get me wrong I love all of my family and I love having them stay but at this time of year the only free time I have thats in the daylight is at weekends. We have committed to changing the garden and this is the best time of year for moving trees and shrubs. I havent even sowed seeds yet. Of course my wife enjoys visitors coming to stay as it gives her someone other than me to talk to. What makes things worse is that we havn't invited anyone over, they've just decided to turn up. This is fair enough I supose, we've always had an open house, but I feel as though I am not in control of my own life. I also know that it will be my fault when the planned garden doesn't appear on time. My sister in law suggested that J and I should go up to her for a week sometime in the next month or so. J readily agreed, forgetting that we promised her father a holiday on a narrow boat sometime in the first half of this year AND that I was going to take a week off work to rebuild our kitchen. As I have only 8 days holiday left until July I don't know how we can fulfil our committments.

This reads as a petty complaint but I feel that control of one's life is important. My daughter in law is having a crisis of confidence at the moment for just the same reason - lack of control. My problems are slight compered to those of my son and daughter. He is still at the early stages of recovery but seems to be happy in a sort of child-like way; she looks anxious and aggitated most of the time. This is only what I have observed as neither of them has spoken to me in any depth for a while. I don't mind that so much as I can catch up with my daughter's worries via her own blog. Although the thought of her taking advice from, at best, anonymous strangers and, at worst, voyeurs of anguish worries me a little. On the one hand written advice is or can be precise and accurate but on the other hand personal advice can be more powerful and direct and theres always a hand to hold. Perhaps the situation that they're in is too overwhelming for them. Perhaps they are uncomfortable in sharing too much. I don't know. I may never know. As a parent I will always have concerns about my children but they are all adults now and must live their lives their way. I don't preach to them or demand that they do things in certain way. I can give advice if asked but at the end of the day I trust them to get on with things themselves. I was never a control freak with my children but since they became adults I have transitioned into a friendly father figure rather than an actual father. If my suport role is to be relgated to the background thats fine but it would be nice if someone told me that.

I'm off to Cardif via Oxford tonight for my monthly trip to my Welsh customers. I enjoy the traveling but the arrival in Cardiff less so. If the weather holds it could be a good trip. It would be even better if I just jumped in the car and drove off to nowhere in particular...

And so it begins

2006-02-06T19:32:00.000Z

Its been a while since the last update. Both my wife and I have been ill. My wife particularly. Feelings of nausea and tiredness have meant that family and work have been our main concerns. The New Year has started slowly for me. I usually travel for work down to Cardiff in Wales or the south west of England. But so far this year I’ve only had one trip to Cardiff. We have decided to reorganise our garden and started by digging out a quince bush. I thought this would take less than an hour to achieve but in the end it took one and a half days. We have sandy soil and there were roots everywhere. I can barely lift my arms to type as I now am so stiff and aching. I don’t like this time of year when I am not feeling 100% I miss the long hours of daylight and the chance to be outdoors. There is nothing as nice as sitting in the garden with beer or with the family around for a barbeque. I also enjoy working in the garden – its something to do with being English. Mind you the year ahead will mean a lot of working in the garden. I find that gardening is a little like doing Tai Chi or yoga. Your body is active but your mind is focussed and while gardening I am not thinking about anything else. All of life’s problems recede into the background and when I am finished working I can appreciate that I have had a respite from them.

My eldest son and my daughter in law are going to Relate (a counselling service in England) and they both seem to getting something positive out of it. Neither of them say much about the sessions now as they have agreed to keep conversation about their problems “in the box”. They only open the box at the relate session. This is fine, its their problem after all. It’s a little frustrating not knowing what they’re talking about after being so close to them during the initial break up talking issues through but they have to sort this out one way or another. I just feel relegated to the side lines now, not as involved. The last I heard they were discussing my son’s depression and trying to get at the cause(s). This sounds to me like psychoanalysis rather than marriage guidance but I’ve never needed to have marriage guidance myself so I don’t know if this is a valid method of sorting him out or not. He seems a lot happier but I don’t know whether that’s only a result of his medical treatment or not. I would like to think that he is feeling better as he is changing into a happier person rather than a result of his medication. He says that the relate sessions are helping so it’s looking positive. We’re still here for them. We baby sat while they went to London last week for a couple of days and I’m glad we did. Part of the thank you was a rather nice bottle of Montrachet. This was the good stuff Pinot Noir etc. Marvellous.

My second son D had his 30th birthday last week. We gave him a large bottle of whisky and a pile of jazz and Zappa cds. He was telling us that his girlfriend was thinking of moving in. It would be nice for him to have some able bodied company. He says that he is happy living alone and will be just as happy if she moves in. I’m glad that he’s happy. His parachute jump has been moved to the 18th of February so I won’t see him until then. It’s good to know that in spite of his MS he is enjoying his life. He has been sustained by music and his good friends. He is even thinking of learning to drive. I admire his positive outlook and I am very proud of him.

Balance

2006-01-23T15:13:00.000Z

My son has returned to live with his wife and children. This is good news and a step in the right direction. He still has some personal demons to deal with but he has a better chance of winning the struggle when he is surrounded by those who love hime the most. While normality has not yet been restored I feel that the family is now more in balance that it has been for some time. Its early days for W and P, they have some way to go. I don't think they will ever get back to normal because their old life together is over, they have a new reality a new normality, a new life toghther. They have both been very unhappy and had to face harsh realities about themselves and each other and its not over yet. There is potential for happiness though and they deserve to be happy. I'm a big fan of potential but I'm a bigger fan of achieved potential. They have my love and support until I die.

I've been listening to Coldplay, the darlings of summer 2005, and the track 'Fix you' in particular it could be the soundtrack to the healing process of my son and daughter.

Peace.

Change of plan

2006-01-19T22:07:00.000Z

The planned parachute jump was postponed again due to wet weather. So my son and I had a weekend at home eating good food and drinking fine beer. We ate much more than we drank though. My son has developed an interest in jazz and he wanted to listen to some of my records and CDs. How we ended up listening to Frank Zappa I’ll never know. He hadn’t heard much Zappa at all and even though it wasn’t jazz he had a great time listening to albums that I couldn’t play when he was young. We had a great day. I’m almost word and note perfect on all of my Zappa collection and it was cathartic to go through the songs and instrumentals from my youth. It was the first day this year so far that I felt relaxed in any way.

P told me today that my eldest son was looking and feeling happier and seemed more content than he has for a long time. This news does my heart good. It may take time for him to recover but I know that he will get there in the end. I really hope that he can get to a happier place and return to his family as soon as possible. Life is way too short for depression. Its happened to me twice so far, once in my early thirties and again in my mid forties. The second time was the worst and it took me just over a year to come out of it. I now have to contend with mid life crisis although I feel more able to deal with things nowadays, more in balance, more focussed and, strangely, happy.

2006-01-10T15:17:00.000Z

It’s the 10th of January and last night was my first night in 2006 without a drink. Its not that I wanted to stop drinking. I was getting pains in the stomach area which I assume was my pancreas complaining at the continued abuse by food and drink. I will now be dry until the weekend when my second son comes back for the weekend.

He will be trying his 3rd attempt at a parachute jump in aid of his favourite MS charity although the weather forecast this morning was for rain at the weekend. So we’ll see.
The last attempt was foiled by low cloud and we spent most of the day in a pub, a very nice pub with a log fire and good food. It was so good that I vowed to do it more often this year; as long as the bad weather lasts.

My eldest son has had his medication changed and certainly looks happier and healthier. I think that it is too soon for him to be showing early signs of recovery but I continue to be hopeful. He has been so unhappy for such a long time. It may take some time for him to recover fully. I am very keen to help but I know from my own experience that depression can only be conquered by the depressed person themselves. As part of his Christmas presents I offered him a weekend away anywhere in Europe alone or accompanied and he has decided to go to Amsterdam with his wife. I will happily baby sit the grandchildren if the trip away helps him recover in any way.

I attended the funeral of my son in law’s father today. The weather was certainly appropriate. It rained steadily until lunchtime and with a reasonably strong wind blowing it was a sombre, but dignified, occasion. I was moved by the words of the departed's best friend who spoke from from the heart. The full effect of his father’s death was evident in my poor son in law. At 23 he is too young for all this. His father was only 49 years old. It was only the second funeral that I have attended but I have attended some cremations (too many really). There is an element of magic in a cremation as the loved one just disappears however a funeral is a very definite final act. I found it to be very moving and perhaps more importantly it reaffirmed my personal views on the value of life. I was reminded of a line from a Buddhist text that I first read 30 years ago “…swiftly the body passes away; in a moment life is gone…” the words were part of an exaltation to the study of enlightenment. I now view them as encouragement to recognise what is important to you and spend your time and energy there. I am wiser for having attended the funeral; I remain focussed in the present.

I’m still listening to the Afro Celts as I can’t get into the room where the hi-fi (and all my LPs and CDs) is located. My Daughter and son in law are still sleeping on the sofa bed in there. Still the music is bright and exciting and full of life.

Its a a new dawn, its a new day and I'm feelin good.

2006-01-02T18:37:00.000Z

Jan 2nd. Its the new year. Positive thoughts for the new year always last until the end of February with me. Positive thoughts about my family last permenently. My first thought concerns my second son D. He has MS and is now a very positive person indeed. His emotions are all over the place however and he is vulnerable. He copes magnificently though and is a joy to be with. My next thoughts are for my wife J. What can I say about this woman thats fit for the internet? She is the Pope to my Dhalai Lama. If she goes first then I'll follow her as soon as possible. I can't imagine life without her.
My next thoughts are for my grandchildren; innocents caught up in a seperation situation created by their parents injured egos. A seventeen year relationship slipping slowly away. Its a great frustration beung a parent of adult children because you can't just knock their heads together and tell them what to do. They have to make their own mistakes. you can't interfere no matter how daft their behaviour becomes. Don't get me wrong they are both intelligent people but one of them couldn't work out how a relationship should be maitained and the other one couldn't do anything to prevent a deep rift forming between them. I really hope this year sees them back together for the sake of the children. Mind you as a society we don't really try any more do we? Its always the easy option nowadays. The quick fix. I can't complain too loudly though as it was my generation who invented the single parent. My son and dughter in law have to sort this out and they are both too uptight to think clearly. Whatever help I can give I will.
My next thoughts are for my remaining chlidren; my youngest son P is well enough but could be going into unhealthy overweight issues. We don't seem to get through to him but we'll keep on trying. My daughter C begins the year with her husband bearing the loss of his father. They both are young and yet too face the other trials and tribulations that life can send their way. But they give me hope.

For myslef I'll just try to stay healthy. I'm diabetic (late onset no insulin) and I also have Addisons Diease which is a wonderful medical condition. My body does not produce enough cortisone. Its a stress related disorder - I wonder how that could have happend! The treatment is cortisone tablets which gradually turn your hair white and leave you with a perfect tan. I'm begining to look like a handsome version of Peter Stringfellow.

I've made far too many resolutions this year and will not list them here.

One of my Christmas present was the excellent new album from the Afrocelts "Anatomic". This is world music at its best. The band was formed around the idea that Irish instruments - fiddle, pipes and bhodran - would sound great with African drums. This album is the best they have produced to date. There are strong Asian influences that make the album more well rounded than their earlier work. If you like rhythm or drums or just dancing about like a wild person this music is for you.

2006 already

2006-01-01T01:17:00.000Z

Happy new year. I've just spent a different type of new year's eve. No one from my family in the house (apart from the grand children) and our friends and their family. Odd. Possibly the shape of new year's eve's to come. Who knows. Does it matter? Probably not. A family is a family even if its not your own.

In the present I've had a lot to drink and will continue.

Fabulous fireworks this evening.

Xmas & New Year

2005-12-30T15:29:00.000Z

My happy, ordinary life turned into a bad soap opera this year. My eldest son ... lets call him W (tall handsome and strong but a worrier) decided to seperate from his wife... lets call her P (for pixie, small, delicate and exquisitly beautiful with the heart of a lion). The reason for the split? Infidelity. On both sides (intended sexual shenanigans on the part of P and actual on the part of W following the descovery of P). Confused? I was. Support needed though and given freely.

There are of course children involved. My grandchildren. My wonderful grandchildren. How they will be affected remains to be seen. I was devestated initially. The thought of psychological scarring in both of my grandchildren, the future of the family, was difficult to think about. I can think about it now.

W anounced that he had been depressed for the last four years and had considered suicide the week before Christmas. More support needed. This was serious stuff.

Then my son-in-law.. lets call him T, lost his father. He died the day after boxing day (27th December) after a very long illness. More pain, more tears, more support required and given freely. The stress was begining to show. My wife, upset by my attempts at supporting my daughter in law, in tears. Me with a a tight feeling in my chest and a pain through my back.

All my personal pain at the unfolding events is now slipping away. Today P anounced that she would not spend New Year's Eve with us, she would go out with workmates. W is also going out with his friends leaving us to babysit the grandchildren.

I love my family - I love them so much - I love them too much. I was upset by everything that has happened. I still am to a certain degree (I want to hold them all until the bad things go away). But I have realised that I can do little to reconcile the brusied egos of my children and, of course, can do nothing about death. Am I giving up? Not a chance. I don't dwell on the past and don't worry about the future - the past is gone and will not harm me and the future is not fixed it is also harmless. I live in the present and focus my attention there. The present is all we have shouldn't we make the best of it?

Happy New Year!