Dance with the Wolves

Location: St Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom

I'm happy. I'm amused by life. I know who I am and why I'm here. I have a masters degree and very little money.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Xmas & New Year

My happy, ordinary life turned into a bad soap opera this year. My eldest son ... lets call him W (tall handsome and strong but a worrier) decided to seperate from his wife... lets call her P (for pixie, small, delicate and exquisitly beautiful with the heart of a lion). The reason for the split? Infidelity. On both sides (intended sexual shenanigans on the part of P and actual on the part of W following the descovery of P). Confused? I was. Support needed though and given freely.

There are of course children involved. My grandchildren. My wonderful grandchildren. How they will be affected remains to be seen. I was devestated initially. The thought of psychological scarring in both of my grandchildren, the future of the family, was difficult to think about. I can think about it now.

W anounced that he had been depressed for the last four years and had considered suicide the week before Christmas. More support needed. This was serious stuff.

Then my son-in-law.. lets call him T, lost his father. He died the day after boxing day (27th December) after a very long illness. More pain, more tears, more support required and given freely. The stress was begining to show. My wife, upset by my attempts at supporting my daughter in law, in tears. Me with a a tight feeling in my chest and a pain through my back.

All my personal pain at the unfolding events is now slipping away. Today P anounced that she would not spend New Year's Eve with us, she would go out with workmates. W is also going out with his friends leaving us to babysit the grandchildren.

I love my family - I love them so much - I love them too much. I was upset by everything that has happened. I still am to a certain degree (I want to hold them all until the bad things go away). But I have realised that I can do little to reconcile the brusied egos of my children and, of course, can do nothing about death. Am I giving up? Not a chance. I don't dwell on the past and don't worry about the future - the past is gone and will not harm me and the future is not fixed it is also harmless. I live in the present and focus my attention there. The present is all we have shouldn't we make the best of it?

Happy New Year!