Dance with the Wolves

Location: St Annes, Lancashire, United Kingdom

I'm happy. I'm amused by life. I know who I am and why I'm here. I have a masters degree and very little money.

Monday, January 23, 2006


My son has returned to live with his wife and children. This is good news and a step in the right direction. He still has some personal demons to deal with but he has a better chance of winning the struggle when he is surrounded by those who love hime the most. While normality has not yet been restored I feel that the family is now more in balance that it has been for some time. Its early days for W and P, they have some way to go. I don't think they will ever get back to normal because their old life together is over, they have a new reality a new normality, a new life toghther. They have both been very unhappy and had to face harsh realities about themselves and each other and its not over yet. There is potential for happiness though and they deserve to be happy. I'm a big fan of potential but I'm a bigger fan of achieved potential. They have my love and support until I die.

I've been listening to Coldplay, the darlings of summer 2005, and the track 'Fix you' in particular it could be the soundtrack to the healing process of my son and daughter.


Thursday, January 19, 2006

Change of plan

The planned parachute jump was postponed again due to wet weather. So my son and I had a weekend at home eating good food and drinking fine beer. We ate much more than we drank though. My son has developed an interest in jazz and he wanted to listen to some of my records and CDs. How we ended up listening to Frank Zappa I’ll never know. He hadn’t heard much Zappa at all and even though it wasn’t jazz he had a great time listening to albums that I couldn’t play when he was young. We had a great day. I’m almost word and note perfect on all of my Zappa collection and it was cathartic to go through the songs and instrumentals from my youth. It was the first day this year so far that I felt relaxed in any way.

P told me today that my eldest son was looking and feeling happier and seemed more content than he has for a long time. This news does my heart good. It may take time for him to recover but I know that he will get there in the end. I really hope that he can get to a happier place and return to his family as soon as possible. Life is way too short for depression. Its happened to me twice so far, once in my early thirties and again in my mid forties. The second time was the worst and it took me just over a year to come out of it. I now have to contend with mid life crisis although I feel more able to deal with things nowadays, more in balance, more focussed and, strangely, happy.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

It’s the 10th of January and last night was my first night in 2006 without a drink. Its not that I wanted to stop drinking. I was getting pains in the stomach area which I assume was my pancreas complaining at the continued abuse by food and drink. I will now be dry until the weekend when my second son comes back for the weekend.

He will be trying his 3rd attempt at a parachute jump in aid of his favourite MS charity although the weather forecast this morning was for rain at the weekend. So we’ll see.
The last attempt was foiled by low cloud and we spent most of the day in a pub, a very nice pub with a log fire and good food. It was so good that I vowed to do it more often this year; as long as the bad weather lasts.

My eldest son has had his medication changed and certainly looks happier and healthier. I think that it is too soon for him to be showing early signs of recovery but I continue to be hopeful. He has been so unhappy for such a long time. It may take some time for him to recover fully. I am very keen to help but I know from my own experience that depression can only be conquered by the depressed person themselves. As part of his Christmas presents I offered him a weekend away anywhere in Europe alone or accompanied and he has decided to go to Amsterdam with his wife. I will happily baby sit the grandchildren if the trip away helps him recover in any way.

I attended the funeral of my son in law’s father today. The weather was certainly appropriate. It rained steadily until lunchtime and with a reasonably strong wind blowing it was a sombre, but dignified, occasion. I was moved by the words of the departed's best friend who spoke from from the heart. The full effect of his father’s death was evident in my poor son in law. At 23 he is too young for all this. His father was only 49 years old. It was only the second funeral that I have attended but I have attended some cremations (too many really). There is an element of magic in a cremation as the loved one just disappears however a funeral is a very definite final act. I found it to be very moving and perhaps more importantly it reaffirmed my personal views on the value of life. I was reminded of a line from a Buddhist text that I first read 30 years ago “…swiftly the body passes away; in a moment life is gone…” the words were part of an exaltation to the study of enlightenment. I now view them as encouragement to recognise what is important to you and spend your time and energy there. I am wiser for having attended the funeral; I remain focussed in the present.

I’m still listening to the Afro Celts as I can’t get into the room where the hi-fi (and all my LPs and CDs) is located. My Daughter and son in law are still sleeping on the sofa bed in there. Still the music is bright and exciting and full of life.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Its a a new dawn, its a new day and I'm feelin good.

Jan 2nd. Its the new year. Positive thoughts for the new year always last until the end of February with me. Positive thoughts about my family last permenently. My first thought concerns my second son D. He has MS and is now a very positive person indeed. His emotions are all over the place however and he is vulnerable. He copes magnificently though and is a joy to be with. My next thoughts are for my wife J. What can I say about this woman thats fit for the internet? She is the Pope to my Dhalai Lama. If she goes first then I'll follow her as soon as possible. I can't imagine life without her.
My next thoughts are for my grandchildren; innocents caught up in a seperation situation created by their parents injured egos. A seventeen year relationship slipping slowly away. Its a great frustration beung a parent of adult children because you can't just knock their heads together and tell them what to do. They have to make their own mistakes. you can't interfere no matter how daft their behaviour becomes. Don't get me wrong they are both intelligent people but one of them couldn't work out how a relationship should be maitained and the other one couldn't do anything to prevent a deep rift forming between them. I really hope this year sees them back together for the sake of the children. Mind you as a society we don't really try any more do we? Its always the easy option nowadays. The quick fix. I can't complain too loudly though as it was my generation who invented the single parent. My son and dughter in law have to sort this out and they are both too uptight to think clearly. Whatever help I can give I will.
My next thoughts are for my remaining chlidren; my youngest son P is well enough but could be going into unhealthy overweight issues. We don't seem to get through to him but we'll keep on trying. My daughter C begins the year with her husband bearing the loss of his father. They both are young and yet too face the other trials and tribulations that life can send their way. But they give me hope.

For myslef I'll just try to stay healthy. I'm diabetic (late onset no insulin) and I also have Addisons Diease which is a wonderful medical condition. My body does not produce enough cortisone. Its a stress related disorder - I wonder how that could have happend! The treatment is cortisone tablets which gradually turn your hair white and leave you with a perfect tan. I'm begining to look like a handsome version of Peter Stringfellow.

I've made far too many resolutions this year and will not list them here.

One of my Christmas present was the excellent new album from the Afrocelts "Anatomic". This is world music at its best. The band was formed around the idea that Irish instruments - fiddle, pipes and bhodran - would sound great with African drums. This album is the best they have produced to date. There are strong Asian influences that make the album more well rounded than their earlier work. If you like rhythm or drums or just dancing about like a wild person this music is for you.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

2006 already

Happy new year. I've just spent a different type of new year's eve. No one from my family in the house (apart from the grand children) and our friends and their family. Odd. Possibly the shape of new year's eve's to come. Who knows. Does it matter? Probably not. A family is a family even if its not your own.

In the present I've had a lot to drink and will continue.

Fabulous fireworks this evening.